Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
Back in December 2021, I shared my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar containing ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’, based on the film trilogy by director Peter Jackson. My best friend from school Stephen and I put together our comedy version of ‘LOTR’ when we were getting into the film trilogy set in Middle-Earth from 2003 to 2005. I recall us recording our comedic take on ‘LOTR’ using a cassette tape recorder. We had a lot of fun doing that. 🙂
Having revisited both ‘The Hobbit’ and the ‘LOTR’ film trilogies recently, and to celebrate the 25th anniversary of ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ film, I decided to reshare the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ on my blog for readers to enjoy. This will be shared in three segments, containing the 24 chapters that ran for 24 days in the build-up to Christmas in December 2021. The three parts include ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’, ‘The Two Twits’ and ‘The Return of the Weirdo’.
For today, let’s start off checking out the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ by delving into ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’. This covers Chapters 1 to 8, which were originally shared from the 1st to the 8th of December 2021. The comedy is silly and ridiculous at times when my best mate Stephen and I did our ‘LOTR Comedy Version’, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy this. 😀
So, let’s venture forth into the crazy antics of this comedic version of Middle-Earth!
Enjoy!
Tim 🙂
Chapter 1
Very Concerning Hobbits
In the Shire, Frodo hears Gandalf coming.
FRODO: (cheers) Hey! Yippee! Yippee!
Frodo runs all the way to meet up with Gandalf.
FRODO: (cheers) YIPPEE!!!!
Frodo crashes onto Gandalf, startling him, causing his wagon to break up and the horse to run away.
FRODO: (happily) Hello, Gandalf! I’m so glad to see you again!
Frodo wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck.
GANDALF: (chokes) You’re strangling me! YOU’RE STRANGLING ME!!!
Frodo eventually lets go and Gandalf coughs, clearing his throat.
GANDALF: What did you do that for?
FRODO: I’m just so happy to see you again!
On their way to Bag-End…
FRODO: So, how have things been with you?
GANDALF: Not bad. Though I did at one time have a cup of tea with Hyacinth Bucket and attended one of her candlelight suppers. (shudders) Terrible.
A while later, a number of hobbit children run up to greet Gandalf.
HOBBIT CHILDREN: Hey look, it’s Gandalf! It’s Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf…
GANDALF: (shouts) Get away from me, you stupid kids…
The hobbit children jump and wrap their arms around Gandalf, strangling him in the process.
GANDALF: (chokes) They’re trying to kill me!!!
Eventually, the hobbit children let go.
GANDALF: I’m getting out of here!
HOBBIT CHILDREN: (upset) Aww!
GANDALF: Oh fine!
Gandalf sets off a number of fireworks to make the hobbit children happy.
HOBBIT CHILDREN: (cheers) Yea, yippee! Yea, yippee! That’s great! Yes, yippee! (quickly bored) Na, that’s enough. We’re bored Let’s go!
The hobbit children leave.
Frodo makes to leave
FRODO: See you, Gandalf!
Frodo wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him in the process. Once he’s finished…
FRODO: (happily) See you then!
…Frodo leaves. Gandalf clears his throat.
GANDALF: Why is it that they always have to strangle me around the neck? They ruin my neck all the time!
A random male hobbit comes along.
HOBBIT: Oh look! Gandalf’s here!
The male hobbit jumps up and wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes before getting the male hobbit off him.
GANDALF: Go on, get out of here!
The male hobbit cheerfully waves goodbye. Gandalf continues to make his way to Bag-End.
GANDALF: Ah well. It’s still a very nice place.
He passes a random hobbit lady at her hobbit hole.
GANDALF: Hello, little hobbit lady!
Overjoyed, the hobbit lady jumps up and wraps her arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes before getting the hobbit lady off him.
GANDALF: (chokes) Okay, it’s me. Thank you. Goodbye.
Gandalf continues on his way. Just then, a little hobbit girl runs up to him.
HOBBIT GIRL: Hey, Gandalf!
GANDALF: I’ll give you one pound if you don’t strangle me.
HOBBIT GIRL: Okay.
A moment of silence.
HOBBIT GIRL: Ah, who cares?
The hobbit girl jumps up and wraps her arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes as she does so. She soon gets off him and Gandalf continues his way.
At Bag-End, Gandalf knocks on the door.
BILBO: (from inside) No, no, NO!!! I DON’T WANT ANY MORE VISITORS AT ALL!!!
GANDALF: Knock, knock.
BILBO: (from inside) Who’s there?
GANDALF: Me!
BILBO: (from inside) Me who?
GANDALF: Your friend Gandalf!
Bilbo opens the door a fraction and looks out.
BILBO: Did you say ‘Gandalf’?
GANDALF: (sarcastically) No, I said ‘Aragorn’.
BILBO: Oh, I see.
Bilbo closes the door.
GANDALF: Well, of course I said ‘Gandalf’!
Bilbo opens the door wide.
BILBO: (overjoyed) Gandalf!
GANDALF: Yes, it’s me. Now please don’t strangle me…
BILBO: (overjoyed) It’s you!!!
Bilbo jumps up and wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes.
BILBO: (overjoyed) Oh, Gandalf! I’m so glad to see you!
GANDALF: (annoyed) Would you like it if I died?!!!
Later on, at Bilbo’s birthday party, fireworks go off and the hobbits celebrate.
HOBBITS: Yippee, yippee, yippee! Hey look, there’s Gandalf!
A lot of hobbits jump up on Gandalf and wraps their arms around his neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes whilst other hobbits continue partying and drinking away.
In Bag-End, Gandalf shouts at Bilbo.
GANDALF: (shouts) Now listen here! I’m not trying to rob you, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!! I AM TRYING TO… (lowers his voice) …help you.
BILBO: (upset) Oh Gandalf. I’m so sorry!
Bilbo runs and jumps up to Gandalf, wrapping his arms around him, strangling him. Gandalf chokes away.
Chapter 2
The Scaramanga of Isengard
At the tower of Orthanc in Isengard, Saruman comes down the stairs to meet with Gandalf.
SARUMAN: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my counsel. For that is why you have…
Saruman trips over; falls down the stairs and ends up flat on his face.
SARUMAN: (continues; muffled) …why you have come, is it not, my old friend?
Gandalf babbles away whilst Saruman’s lying flat on his face.
SARUMAN: (gets Gandalf’s attention) Can…can you help me up, please?
Obligingly, Gandalf helps Saruman up to his feet. Saruman struggles, feeling wobbly on his feet.
GANDALF: Well, if I were you, I’d better watch my [step…]
Stepping forward, Gandalf ends up tripping over and falling to the ground, flat on his face. Saruman looks down on him.
GANDALF: (finishes; muffled) …step!
A short while later, Gandalf talks to Saruman.
GANDALF: I’ve come to talk you about the Ring!
SARUMAN: The Ring? What ring? You mean the wedding ring?
GANDALF: (frustrated) No! No, no, no, no, NO!!!!!
SARUMAN: (confused) What do you mean, “No, no, no, no, no”?
Gandalf proceeds to explain.
Once Gandalf tells Saruman his news…
SARUMAN: Are you sure about this?
GANDALF: (sarcastically) No! I’m being sarcastic! Of course I’m sure!
SARUMAN: So, the Ring of Power has been found!
GANDALF: (sarcastically) No! It’s been buried!
A short while later inside Orthanc, Saruman tells Gandalf about the nine Black Riders who have left Minas Morgul.
SARUMAN: They will find the Ring…and kill the one who carries it.
GANDALF: (ponders) I wonder who that could be.
SARUMAN: (rolls his eyes) The one who has the Ring in his possession now.
GANDALF: (gradually; realises) You mean…Frodo?
SARUMAN: Yes!
A moment of silence.
GANDALF: Can I take the elevator please!
Gandalf heads for one elevator, but it closes shut on him.
GANDALF: Okay, I’ll take the other one.
The other elevator shuts on him.
GANDALF: Okay, I’ll take the other.
Another elevator shuts on him. Gandalf goes from left to right; up and down; and sideways and long ways to get into an elevator, but each of the elevators he tries to get into all shut on him. There is one last hope, as Gandalf spots something on the ground.
GANDALF: (realises) Ah! Mouse hole!
But even the mouse closes his door on Gandalf, squeakily giggling as he does so.
Once Saruman suggests to Gandalf about them joining Sauron, Gandalf says…
GANDALF: You could do with a shave! Because your face looks ugly without a beard! You can use it as a mop!
SARUMAN: (greatly offended) WHAT?!!!
Saruman throws Gandalf across the room with his staff.
After Gandalf and Saruman fight for a bit, Saruman calls to Gandalf’s staff.
SARUMAN: Come here!
Gandalf’s staff obeys, flying out of his hands and going over to Saruman,
GANDALF: (angrily) You stupid staff! I’ll never trust you again!
In the end, Saruman sends Gandalf up to the top of Orthanc.
Chapter 3
Is there a Signpost to the Prancing Pony in Bree?
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin arrive at the west gate of Bree, soaking wet due to the pouring rain.
FRODO: (whispers; to Sam) Now, Sam. It’s very likely that everyone will be in their beds when we enter Bree…
PIPPIN: (sings; loudly) ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA… ♫
SAM: Shut up, will you!
Sam smacks Pippin on the head.
PIPPIN: (cries in pain) Ow!!!
FRODO: (whispers; to Sam) So whatever you do, don’t make a noise! Everybody might be fast asleep! Pass it on!
SAM: Okay. (whispers; to Pippin) Don’t make a noise! Everybody might be asleep! Pass it on!
PIPPIN: Okay. (whispers; to Merry) Don’t make a noise! Everybody might be asleep! Pass it on!
MERRY: (whispers) Don’t make…
Merry is surprised to find no-one behind him. Meanwhile, Frodo knocks on the gate very quietly. A moment of silence.
GATEKEEPER: (ruefully) I can’t hear you!
Frustrated, Frodo bangs on the gate very loudly. Sam, Merry and Pippin hush to Frodo, telling him to be quiet. The gatekeeper opens the date to greet the hobbits.
GATEKEEPER: (wearily) Hello! What do you want? Welcome to Bree! What do you want?
FRODO: We’re heading for the Prancing Pony…
GATEKEEPER: (interrupts) Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot! Password!
FRODO: Err…please?
GATEKEEPER: No!
The gatekeeper shuts the gate in the hobbits’ faces.
SAM: Frodo! I think I know the password. Say to him, “Let me in, you idiot!”
FRODO: Okay.
Frodo knocks on the gate again. The gatekeeper opens it.
GATEKEEPER: Password?
FRODO: Let me in, you idiot!
GATEKEEPER: No!
The gatekeeper shuts the gate again.
SAM: Not like that! Say, LET ME IN, YOU IDIOT!
Frodo knocks on the gate again. The gatekeeper opens it.
GATEKEEPER: Password?
FRODO: (shouts) LET ME IN, YOU IDIOT!!!
Frodo pokes the gatekeeper in the eye.
GATEKEEPER: (cries in pain) Oww!!! (normal voice) Uh-uh!
The gatekeeper shuts the gate again.
SAM: Don’t poke him in the eye! Just say, “LET ME IN, YOU IDIOT!”
Frodo knocks on the gate again. The gatekeeper opens it.
GATEKEEPER: Password?
FRODO: LET ME IN, YOU IDIOT!!!
GATEKEEPER: Fine!
The gatekeeper lets them in.
A while later, the four hobbits have food and drink at the Prancing Pony.
FRODO: I wonder where Gandalf’s gone.
Pippin drinks out a human pint-sized tankard.
PIPPIN: (heavily drunk) I don’t know, but this stuff’s good! I’m going to faint right now!
Pippin slumps his head on the table, snoring away. Sam answers Frodo’s question.
SAM: I don’t know, Frodo. I don’t know where Gandalf is.
MERRY: Err, I think Pippin’s about to throw up.
Pippin wakes up and vomits heavily into his tankard.
PIPPIN: (heavily drunk) Oh man! That’s good!
Very soon, Frodo and the hobbits meet Strider.
STRIDER: You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo. They’re coming!
SAM: Who’s coming? My bookie?
STRIDER: The Ringwraiths!
PIPPIN: Those black riders we saw in the forest?
STRIDER: Yes!
Outside, the gatekeeper receives some unexpected visitors.
GATEKEEPER: Yes, hello! Password?
The Ringwraiths come crashing through the gates of Bree, tramping over the gatekeeper underneath the west gate.
GATEKEEPER: (groans) Wrong password!
The Ringwraiths gallop their way towards the Prancing Pony.
Chapter 4
The Not-So-Long Council of Elrond
In Rivendell, the Council of Elrond takes place.
ELROND: Now! You’re all here…because of a ring! Not just…any ring. Not even…a wedding ring. Not even…
GIMILI: (interrupts) A birthday ring?
ELROND: No!
Frodo sniggers.
ELROND: Frodo, stop laughing! This is very serious!
A short while later, a debate ensues on who should take the Ring to Mordor.
GIMLI: I’ll take the Ring to Mordor with my axe!
LEGOLAS: No! I’ll take the Ring to Mordor with my bow and arrow. And my beautiful flowing blonde hair!
BOROMIR: No! You two are pathetic!
LEGOLAS: What do you mean?
BOROMIR: I’m the greatest warrior to ever live in the whole of Gondor! Your hair is as white as the snow and your beard is like that of a burnt down tree.
GIMILI: (offended) HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?!!!
Once Frodo volunteers to take the Ring to Mordor and Gandalf agrees to help him, Aragorn steps forward.
ARAGORN: Whether by life…or by death…I can protect you. I will. You have my sword.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: You have my axe…and my beard!
GANDALF: Gimli!
GIMLI: Sorry.
BOROMIR: And you have my um…moustache.
GIMLI: Shield!
BOROMIR: Sorry, shield.
SAM: (calls) Heh!
Sam jumps out from behind the bushes and joins them.
SAM: I’m going!
ELROND: Pardon?
SAM: I’m going with err…my hair! With my hair on!
Merry and Pippin also emerge from behind the pillars to join them.
MERRY: Wait! And err…me and my friend will go!
PIPPIN: Yes! With our legs and our smelly feet!
Thus, the Fellowship of the Freak is formed!
Chapter 5
A Journey in the Dark with Gandalf’s Torch Switched On
In Moria, Frodo and Gandalf notice that Gollum has been following the Fellowship and is watching them with glowing staring eyes.
GANDALF: As I told you, Frodo. Gollum has been following and watching us for three days. Especially with those big glowing staring eyes of his. So whatever you do, don’t poke…
But Frodo pokes Gollum in the eye when he gets a chance. Gollum shrieks once he’s been poked in the eye, before he falls down the stairs.
GANDALF: (tells Frodo off) Don’t poke him in the eye!
A short while later, the Fellowship enter a chamber where they find a tomb.
FRODO: What is that?
BOROMIR: It’s a coffin, you idiot!
FRODO: No, I mean, what’s inside it? Who’s inside it, should I say?
GIMLI: Let’s find out!
Gimli opens up the tomb to reveal whose inside.
GIMLI: Hey, that looks like my cousin!
BALIN: (from inside the tomb) I am your cousin!
GIMLI: (upset) Oh no! My cousin is dead!
Gimli sobs away before he ends up snoring away inside Balin’s tomb.
Meanwhile, Gandalf goes over to pick up a large and battered book from a skeleton in the chamber.
GANDALF: (to skeleton) Don’t you mind if I have a look at this, do you?
SKELETON: Yeah, go ahead. I’m not going to be using it.
GANDALF: How did you end up like that?
SKELETON: Aww, I got stabbed and slashed by orcs. It was very painful, I can tell you.
Gandalf acknowledges the skeleton, before he opens the book and clears the dirt from the pages.
After Pippin has his accident with sending an armoured skeleton and a bucket tumbling down a deep well…
GANDALF: (bitterly) Somewhere…an electric chair is waiting!
PIPPIN: Huh?
GANDALF: (bitterly) Fool of a Took!
At the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, Gandalf is about to face the Balrog. He turns to the Fellowship.
GANDALF: Stay back, everyone! I will deal with this one!
FRODO: No, Gandalf! I’m going to come with you!
GANDALF: You want to come with me to face against him?
FRODO: Yeah!
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
GANDALF: I don’t believe this! (to Frodo) Go and join the others and stay with them! And if I should happen to die, please don’t scream and cry like a baby, alright?
Frodo nods and obeys.
GANDALF: Right!
Gandalf makes his way over to confront the Balrog.
GANDALF: Now, you look here, you big, scary, burning thing.
The Balrog snarls at him.
GANDALF: (sniffs) You smell!
The Balrog roars angrily.
GANDALF: You cannot…pass!
The Balrog strikes his flaming sword down on Gandalf. Gandalf parries the blow with his sword Glamdring, shattering the Balrog’s sword.
BALROG: (shocked; upset) My sword! My mother gave that to me for my birthday when I was three years old!
GANDALF: Well, well, well. You shouldn’t have followed us then! Now…YOU…SHALL NOT….
A moment of silence. Gandalf becomes forgetful.
BALROG: Pass?
GANDALF: Yeah, PASS!!!
With that, Gandalf strikes his staff onto the bridge. As the Balrog steps forward, the bridge collapses from under it. The Balrog plunges backwards into the chasm. Gandalf turns to Frodo and the others.
GANDALF: There you are, you see, Frodo. I did not…die!
Suddenly, the Balrog’s flaming whip lashes up from the depths of the abyss and wraps around Gandalf’s ankle, dragging him over the edge.
GANDALF: Wahoo, oh ouch!!!
As Gandalf clings onto the bridge, Frodo runs forward before Boromir restrains him.
FRODO: (screams) Gandalf! Gandalf!
GANDALF: Frodo, I told you! I told you not to scream and cry like a baby should I die, okay? Just say, “Oh dear, he’s dead!” once you see me fall. Do you promise?
Reluctantly, Frodo nods his head.
GANDALF: (satisfied) Right! (Pause) Now…AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
With that final scream, Gandalf loses his grip and falls into the chasm. Another moment of silence.
BOROMIR: Now remember you what you promised, Frodo. Don’t scream or cry like a baby. Just say what Gandalf told you to say.
Another moment of silence.
FRODO: (calmly) For Gandalf’s promise, I say, “Oh dear, he’s dead.” (Pause) For my promise, I say… (screams; cries; upset) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! GANDALF!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!! GANDALF!!!!!!
With Frodo screaming and crying away like a baby, Boromir drags Frodo off out of Khazad-dûm. Aragorn follows behind them.
Chapter 6
The Staring Queen in Lothlórien
In Lothlórien, the Fellowship meets Lady Galadriel. Legolas takes a fancy to her.
LEGOLAS: Hey, pretty lady! You have long blonde hair like me. Do you want to go out together?
GALADRIEL: (nervously) Um….no.
A short while later, the Fellowship are told to go and have a rest after their long journey.
LEGOLAS: Do we get to have showers? Along with shower gel…and…hair conditioning?
GALADRIEL: Yes.
LEGOLAS: Yippee! Say, once we’ve freshened up, do you want to have dinner together?
GALADRIEL: No, thank you.
LEGOLAS: Oh come on! I really fancy you, you know.
GALADRIEL: Legolas, will you please stop? You have to get to know a person before you can go out with them.
LEGOLAS: I know everything about you.
GALADRIEL: Then what’s my date of birth?
A moment of silence.
LEGOLAS: Err…the same as mine.
Another moment of silence.
LEGOLAS: I still want to go out with you, you know.
GALADRIEL: Would you like to go out with me like this?
Galadriel shows her evil green form.
LEGOLAS: (shudders) No.
GALADRIEL: Or would you like to go out with me like this?
Galadriel reverts back to her normal self.
LEGOLAS: (happily) Yes, I do! Come on, give us a kiss.
Legolas leans forward for a kiss before Galadriel slaps him.
LEGOLAS: (dazed; happily) Oh, she fancies me. Oh, she likes me!
GIMLI: (interrupts) I brought my teddy bear with me to bed.
A short while later, whilst the ‘Lament for Gandalf’ is playing in Lothlórien, everyone reacts to what Legolas is wearing before he goes to bed.
MERRY: (shocked) Aww, Legolas! What have you done to yourself?
LEGOLAS: What’s wrong? These are my pyjamas!
PIPPIN: You wear pyjamas like that before you go to bed?
LEGOLAS: Yes, my mother always told me to wear something before I go to bed and not ruin my everyday clothes. These suffice.
BOROMIR: I wonder how the little ones are.
ARAGORN: Why do you keep calling them ‘little ones’? They’re hobbits, you know.
GIMILI: I’ll go and check on them.
Gimli goes over to check.
GIMLI: Hello, hobbits!
SAM: Hello, how do you do? I’ve just been in touch with my bookie. Do you fancy putting on a bet?
GIMLI: (sternly) Go to sleep!
SAM: (glumly) Alright.
Gimli turns to Pippin.
GIMLI: (sternly) Stop eating mushrooms and go to bed!
Pippin glumly puts his mushrooms away.
ARAGON: Do you suppose Frodo’s okay from his ordeal?
GIMLI: I don’t know. I know that he fancies the staring queen. I’ll go and tell Legolas that right now.
A short while later…
LEGOLAS: WHAT?!!!!
GIMLI: He fancies her!
LEGOLAS: But…I fancy her!
LEGOLAS: I know what’s going to happen!
GIMLI: What?
LEGOLAS: She’s going to say ‘yes’ to having a drink with him; then they’ll go out to have a meal at a restaurant; and then they’re go out to have a hairdo!
GIMLI: I think you should go to bed now, Legolas…
LEGOLAS: (continues) Yes! And then, they’re going to talk about the latest fashions in…
Legolas keeps talking whilst Gimli guides him to his bed.
During the night, Frodo wakes up to be summoned by Galadriel who walks by.
GALADRIEL: Come with me, Frodo. Please!
FRODO; Okay.
Frodo gets up and follows Galadriel. Someone else also gets up and follows.
GALADRIEL: Not you, Legolas!
LEGOLAS: (groans) Aww!!!
After Frodo and Galadriel talk about the Ring and the fate of the quest for a bit, Galadriel notices something out of the corner of her eye.
GALADRIEL: (annoyed) Legolas! STOP PEAKING AROUND THE BACK!!!!!
LEGOLAS: But I fancy you!
GALADRIEL: Get up and go away!
LEGOLAS: Aww, come on, can I just have a little kiss?
GALADRIEL: No!
A moment of silence.
LEGOLAS: Just one!
GALADRIEL: No!
Legolas soon returns to bed.
After Frodo sees what’s in the Mirror of Galadriel, he’s terrified and looks to the lady.
FRODO: How do you know what I saw will happen?
GALADRIEL: It might not happen. (fiercely) Yet it might! (calmly) But it may never happen.
LEGOLAS: (calls; from a distance) Would it have happened if I had gone out with you?
GALADRIEL: Shut up, Legolas!
LEGOLAS: (from a distance, Onslow-style) Oh, nice!
GALADRIEL: Go back to bed!
Chapter 7
The Great River and its Rapids
The Fellowship leave Lothlórien behind as they journey through the Great River in boats. Legolas waves farewell to Galadriel as she stands on a nearby river bank.
LEGOLAS: (sobs) Bye, bye, my love! I’ll miss you!
PIPPIN: Legolas, I think you’re way over-the-top. You barely knew her for a day.
FRODO: Well, I’ll never forget when she gave me a kiss on the forehead.
LEGOLAS: (shocked) What?
FRODO: Yeah, just before we left. She gave me a kiss on the forehead as well as a star-glass I might need.
LEGOLAS: (shocked) Really? (calls; to Galadriel) Is that true? You’re going out with him?
Galadriel doesn’t answer as she stands on the river bank.
LEGOLAS: (hopeful) Do you fancy me?
Galadriel nods.
LEGOLAS: (gasps; happily) She fancies me! Aww! (Pause; spitefully) Here’s the thing though, lady. I don’t fancy you! I was just playing around with your feelings and using you! Ha-ha! Ha-ha…
Galadriel turns into her evil green form before Legolas.
LEGOLAS: (terrified; backs down) Na, na, na! Just joking, just joking, just joking!
Galadriel reverts back to her normal calm self again.
LEGOLAS: Can I still get a kiss from you?
Galadriel nods.
LEGOLAS: (pleased) Alright!
With that, Legolas jumps out of his boat and swims over to Galadriel. Once he meets up with her, he receives a quick kiss from her. Legolas soon swims back and rejoins the others, getting back in his boat with Gimli.
LEGOLAS: (happily) Aww! Love is a very splendid thing! Has anyone else ever fallen in love?
SAM: I have!
LEGOLAS: With who?
SAM: A horse!
LEGOLAS: (startled) You fell in love with a horse?!
SAM: Yeah, we were about to get married before we parted company at the gates of Moria.
On the river Anduin, Boromir holds on steady to his boat as he and the others go through some treacherous rapids.
ARAGORN: Boromir, are you alright?
BOROMIR: I’ll be fine. I’m just afraid that I might end up in the river and die. I might end up going over a waterfall if I die.
GIMLI: You’re not going to die! Not until you’re about a hundred and twenty.
ARAGORN: Anyway, let’s keep going. We’ll…
Suddenly, each member of the Fellowship screams as their boats go over a huge drop in the rapids. The boats end up splashing in the water. Thankfully all the boats are in one piece, as the Fellowship continue their journey through the river.
ARAGORN: Is everyone alright?
MERRY: Yes, we’re alright, thanks.
PIPPIN: Hey, look! Look at Boromir!
Everyone looks to Boromir who’s fallen unconscious.
SAM: Oh no! Boromir’s dead!
LEGOLAS: No, he’s not. He’s just coming round. He must have fainted.
Boromir gradually wakes up, feeling dizzy and shaken.
BOROMIR: (dizzy; shaken) Oh dear! I just had my whole life flash before my eyes!
Later on, as the Fellowship passes the Argonath, Legolas checks their food supplies.
LEGOLAS: Hey! Where’s all the food gone?
Everyone looks at Gimli.
GIMLI: (gulps) Don’t look at me! I was hungry!
Chapter 8
The Long Undignified Departure of Boromir
In the forest of Amon Hen, Aragorn is feeling very sad. A dreadful thing has happened. Legolas and Gimli stand nearby, looking at the dead Boromir.
ARAGORN: (saddened) Boromir is dead.
A moment of silence.
GIMLI: (frustrated) We know! We can see from here! What do we do with him now?
LEGOLAS: (calmly) Do we um…do we call the hair salon and give him a haircut for the funeral?
ARAGORN: No.
GIMLI: Do we eat him?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: Do we hang him up in the trees and let the birds get him?
ARAGORN: No.
GIMLI: Do we bury him?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: I wonder what the curse of ‘No’ means.
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (realises) The curse of ‘No’!
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (cries) Stop it! Stop it now! Stop it, Aragorn! Stop saying ‘no’!
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: Is your name ‘Aragorn’?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: STOP IT!!!
Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right, snapping him right out of it.
ARAGORN: (startled; realises) Oh I’m so sorry, guys. Sorry.
LEGOLAS: So what do we do with Boromir then? Now that he’s dead.
GIMLI: Yeah. What do we do with him?
Another moment of silence.
ARAGORN: Well, there are so many ways we can get rid of him. We can’t eat him though. Mind you, he would probably be disgusting if we ate him like that.
LEGOLAS: Oy! I’m surprised you even considered the thought.
ARAGORN: So, I think the only way we can…bring him through is um….err…um…
GIMLI: Shall we hit him?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: What time is it?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: STOP IT!!!
Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right again, snapping him out of it again.
ARAGORN: (startled) Oh, sorry.
LEGOLAS: What are we going to do with him?!
ARAGORN: I think we should throw him over the waterfall.
GIMLI: What?! He told us not to!
LEGOLAS: Are you sure?
GIMLI: Well, I wasn’t really paying attention.
LEGOLAS: Neither was I. I was thinking more about my hair.
ARAGORN: Well, I wasn’t really paying much attention either.
LEGOLAS: So, that’s it then.
GIMLI: Okay!
ARAGORN: Yes indeed! So come on! Get a boat! Let’s throw him over the waterfall!
A little while later, Boromir wakes up from the dead as he lies in the boat.
BOROMIR: (shocked) What?! What?!
The boat is about to go over the waterfall.
BOROMIR: (shouts) No! Wait! I TOLD YOU NOT TO THROW ME OVER THE WATERFALL…
Boromir’s screams fade away as he and the boat go over the waterfall, out of sight and out of mind. Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli faintly hear him scream as he goes over.
ARAGORN: What did he say?
LEGOLAS: He said he told us not to throw him…in the fall.
ARAGORN: In the fall. Okay. (Pause) Say, let’s see if we can find a spare boat. Did Frodo and Sam take one?
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