Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
Here we are on the third and final instalment of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’, based on the ‘LOTR’ film trilogy directed by Peter Jackson. This comedy version of ‘LOTR’ by me and my best friend from school – Stephen Buckley – was put together via cassette tape from 2003 to 2005. I cherish fond memories of putting that together. 🙂 In December 2021, I shared the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ as part of my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar in the build-up to Christmas.
In the first instalment of the latest release of the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ on ‘Bradley’s Basement’, I shared Chapters 1 to 8 depicting ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’. In the second instalment, I shared Chapters 9 to 16 depicting ‘The Two Twits’. Today, I’m sharing Chapters 17 to 24 depicting ‘The Return of the Weirdo’. Chapters 17 to 24 were originally shared from the 17th to the 24th of December 2021. My best mate Stephen and I recorded ‘The Return of the Weirdo’ from late 2003 to mid-2005. I know it took a long time to put together, but it was an enjoyable and worthwhile experience.
Before we get into ‘The Return of the Weirdo’, I want to share that I’ve finally started watching ‘The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power’ on Amazon Prime Video. I’m hoping to share my thoughts on the series later this year. It’s likely I’ll be reviewing the series season by season like I’m currently doing with the ‘Supergirl’ TV series. Stay tuned for a review on ‘The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power’ coming soon.
In the meantime, sit back, relax and enjoy the third and final instalment of this comedic version of Middle-Earth!
Enjoy!
Tim 🙂
Chapter 17
Pippin Looks into the Palantír…and Is Asked Too Many Questions
At the party in the Golden Hall of Edoras to celebrate the victory at Helm’s Deep…
ARAGORN: Every day, Frodo moves closer…and closer to Mordor.
GANDALF: I know. Frodo and Sam’s sleeping arrangements can’t be great. And with that Gollum creature about. And with the way he eats…
GIMLI: (interrupts) Hey, Gandalf! How do you know what’s going on with them?
GANDALF: I don’t know. Sometimes I get a psychic connection with everything that goes on around the world. It’s quite creepy.
GIMLI: Anyway, I’m going to go to the toilet.
ARAGORN: The gents’ is nearby, Gimli.
GIMLI: No, I’m going to go to the toilet right now!
At that, Aragorn and Gandalf see Gimli peeing in his pants. Gimli lets out a contented sigh once he does this.
GANDALF: (shudders) That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. (Pause) Perhaps you should get yourself some Huggies.
GIMLI: Huggies? Do they hug you?
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
Later that night, Gimli snores very loudly in bed.
MERRY: Can you be quiet, Gimli? I’m trying to sleep!
Gimli wakes up with a snore.
GIMLI: Sorry. (realises) Ooh, I just peed in my pants again! (happily) Isn’t it amazing how these things happen so quickly?
A short while later, after waking up from sleep, Pippin manages to pick up the wrapped palantír from Gandalf’s grasp and brings it back where Merry is.
PIPPIN: Hey, Pippin! Want to play marbles?
MERRY: That’s not a marble! That’s the… (realises) Put it back, Pippin! Put that back now!
PIPPIN: Why? I can do whatever I want with it!
MERRY: Put that back!
PIPPIN: Why? It’s just a black ball! Do you want to see it? Let’s have a look…
Pippin then sees a sickly pale light slowly spreading from the palantír.
PIPPIN: (intrigued) Hmm. Kind of glassy. Must be a lava lamp.
Very soon, with Pippin’s hands placed all over the palantír, an orange glow emerges with a black pupil showing. Pippin’s hands soon become fused to the palantír. He shakes around violently, holding the palantír in his hands.
PIPPIN: (cries) Argh!!! For goodness sake!!!
MERRY: (cries) Pippin!
Pippin continues to shake around the place uncontrollably with the palantír in his hands. Merry makes his way over to Gandalf, shaking him by the shoulder.
MERRY: Gandalf! Gandalf!
Gandalf murmurs slightly.
MERRY: Gandalf!
GANDALF: (murmurs) Press the button on my arm to wake me up!
Merry presses the button on his arm and Gandalf immediately wakes up, getting up from the floor to see what’s going on.
GANDALF: W-W-W-What? What’s happening?
Merry makes his way over to Gimli and shakes him by the shoulder.
MERRY: Gimli, Gimli, wake up!
Gimli wakes up slowly from his bed.
GIMLI: (grunts) What’s going on here? (realises) Ooh, I just peed in my pants again!
At that moment, Aragorn and Legolas enter.
LEGOLAS: What’s going on here?
Pippin meanwhile continues to shake around uncontrollably, holding the palantír in his hands.
PIPPIN: (cries) Too many questions! Too many questions! Too many…
Aragorn runs forward.
ARAGORN: Hold on, Pippin. I’ll take the…
Aragorn takes the palantír from Pippin, but he shakes it about in his hands, crying out loud, as if it were on fire.
LEGOLAS: Hang on, hang on, I’ve got it.
Legolas takes it from Aragorn. But he too shakes it about in his hands, crying out loud like it was on fire.
LEGOLAS: (cries) Dah, it’s burning my hands!
GIMLI: Hey, don’t worry. I’ll take it.
Gimli takes the palantír from Legolas, but he too finds it hot.
GIMLI: Ooh!!!! This is so good!
MERRY: Here, here, let me take it!
But like the others, Merry finds the palantír too hot to carry in his hands and he cries out loud.
MERRY: Hey, let’s give it back to Pippin!
Merry gives the palantír back to Pippin.
PIPPIN: (protests) Don’t give it back to me! Just throw it away! Throw it away!
Gandalf takes the palantír from Pippin’s hands and throws it away, throwing a blanket over it for good measure.
GANDALF: Fool of a Took. Again! First, dropping a skeleton and a bucket in a well with orcs in Moria chasing after us, and now stealing the palantír and looking into it when he shouldn’t have! What else could be worse?
A moment of silence.
GANDALF: Where’s Pippin?
GIMLI: He’s down there. (realises) Ooh, I just did it again!
Pippin is lying still on the floor with his eyes wide open.
MERRY: (upset) He’s dead! He’s dead!!!
Gandalf runs to Pippin’s side, shoving Merry out of the way.
MERRY: No wait, Gandalf! Let me look at him! I want to see him!
GANDALF: No, let me handle this!
MERRY: I want to see him!!!
GANDALF: No, no, no, wait, wait! This should do the trick! I’ll just click my fingers and clap my hands a couple of times in order for him to wake up.
Gandalf does this. After clicking his fingers and clapping his hands a couple of times, Pippin wakes up with a start.
GANDALF: Good. (to Gimli) Gimli, keep watch on guard for anything.
GIMLI: Okay. (realises) Ooh, again!
Meanwhile, Gandalf talks to Pippin as he wakes up.
GANDALF: Pippin, are you okay? What did you do that for?
PIPPIN: I…I…
GANDALF: Tell me, what did you see?
PIPPIN: I…I saw him, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Who? My wife?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your father?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your mother?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your brother?
PIPPIN: No…I don’t have a brother.
GANDALF: Oh.
PIPPIN: I have a sister.
GANDALF: Your sister?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your cat?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your dog?
PIPPIN: No.
GANDALF: Your pen?
PIPPIN: No, no, no, no, no! Him! Sauron’s eye! I saw it! He looked at me!
GANDALF: And what did you tell him about Frodo and the Ring?
PIPPIN: Well, he asked me what my favourite colour was. And I asked him, “Why do you want to know?” And he said he’s very interested in my life. So I told him, I don’t care. Then he asked me, “Where’s Frodo and the Ring?” And I said to him, “None of your business!” I told him, they’re in New York.
Gandalf sighs.
PIPPIN: (laughs) Only joking. (Pause) No, I told him…I told him they’re in Mordor.
GANDALF: (shocked) You what?!
PIPPIN: (laughs) Only joking! (Pause) I…I said to him, I don’t know where he is. And he hasn’t got the Ring. Then he asked me what the time was, and I said it was half past seven.
Pippin checks his watch.
PIPPIN: Oh! It’s quarter past eight! It’s amazing how time flies by that fast.
A long moment of silence. Gandalf lets out an exasperated sigh.
GIMLI: (realises) Ooh, I did it again!
GANDALF: Quiet! (to Pippin) What else did you see?
PIPPIN: (thinks) I saw…err…a pink tree on fire.
GANDALF: (realises) Pink tree!
We cut to a firestorm where a pink tree and a tower stand.
GANDALF: (realises) Oh no!
PIPPIN: What does the pink tree mean?
GANDALF: (gradually) Gondor. (Pause) Come with me, you stupid, pathetic idiot!
Gandalf drags Pippin with him and smacks him.
PIPPIN: Oww!!!
GANDALF: You never do like I tell you to!
Gandalf smacks Pippin again.
PIPPIN: OWW!!!
GIMLI: (realises) OOH, AGAIN!!!
Meanwhile, with Legolas and Aragorn…
ARAGORN: So, what did you find out from Gandalf then? What did Pippin see in the palantír?
LEGOLAS: Well, he saw…
Legolas then whispers to Aragorn what Gandalf told him. Soon, Legolas finishes whispering in Aragorn’s ear.
ARAGORN: (surprised) Sauron? (Pause) And Gondor?
LEGOLAS: Yes.
ARAGORN: Have you told Gimli?
LEGOLAS: I’d rather not. He’s too smelly.
GIMLI: (realises) OOH, AGAIN!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!!
ARAGORN: (sighs) I’ll tell him, I tell him. (calls) Hey, Gimli!
Aragorn goes over to Gimli and whispers what Legolas told him. After he whispers in Gimli’s ear…
GIMLI: (ignorantly) Yeah, great.
LEGOLAS: (realises) You weren’t listening to him.
GIMLI: (ignorantly) Yeah, great.
Aragorn and Legolas are annoyed by Gimli’s ignorance.
ARAGORN: Gimli!
GIMLI: (shrugs) I want a can of beer!
Gimli goes over to fetch a can of beer from a nearby table. He opens it and gulps down the contents in one go.
ARAGORN: (to Legolas) So what else happened?
Once Gimli finishes his beer, he lets out a huge belch, interrupting Aragorn and Legolas.
After Legolas finishes telling Aragorn everything he knows about Pippin from Gandalf …
LEGOLAS: So, what do you think we should do then?
ARAGORN: I don’t know.
LEGOLAS: Well, do you want a drink?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: Do you want to have some breakfast then?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: Okay then. Are you alright?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (puzzled) What did you say?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (puzzled) Why are you acting like that?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (realises) Stop saying that!
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right, snapping him right out of it.
ARAGORN: (annoyed) Why did Boromir give me the curse of ‘No’?!
LEGOLAS: I’ve no idea.
Aragorn shouts up at the heavens.
ARAGORN: (shouts) Boromir! How dare you?! Take this curse away from me!
BOROMIR: (from the heavens) It’s just a bit of fun!
ARAGORN: (annoyed) No wonder you’re dead!
Chapter 18
The Angry Steward of Gondor
At Minas Tirith in Gondor, Gandalf and Pippin walk through the massive hall of the citadel and approach the throne where Denethor, the steward of Gondor, sits in a seat at the base of the steps to the throne.
GANDALF: Denethor, steward of Gondor…
DENETHOR: (shouts) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!!!
Gandalf is put-off by Denethor’s rudeness for a moment.
GANDALF: (continues) Steward of Gondor, I’ve come to tell you something.
Denethor shows a broken horn in his hands as he sits.
DENETHOR: (shouts) WELL, EXPLAIN THIS THEN!!!!!
GANDALF: Forgot to tell you, Pippin. He can be very loud at times.
DENETHOR: (shouts) EXPLAIN TO ME WHY MY SON IS DEAD!!!!!
PIPPIN: (recalls) Hmm. I wonder what happened.
Cut to a flashback where Boromir gets shot by arrows during ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’.
BOROMIR: Oww! That hurts!
PIPPIN: (remembers) Oh yeah! Boromir died to save us!
Cut to another flashback where Boromir gets shot by more arrows.
PIPPIN: Yeah, I remember now. (to Denethor) Boromir died to save us!
DENETHOR: (shouts) WHAT?!!!!
PIPPIN: Can you lower your voice down a bit?
DENETHOR: (shouts) I CAN’T HELP IT!!!! MY VOICE BOX IS JAMMED!!!!
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
PIPPIN: He’s not really dead. He’s just away on holiday. Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. Ah well. Life must go on.
Gandalf and Denethor give weird looks at Pippin. Pippin then approaches the throne and kneels down.
PIPPIN: Err…for some strange reason, I want to be your servant. I shall be your servant for no reason. (to himself) What’s happening to my voice? (to Denethor) Lord Steward of Gondor, I love you!
Denethor reacts startled to Pippin. Gandalf then walks forward, hitting Pippin with his staff to move him out of the way.
GANDALF: Get up!
Pippin gets up and out of the way.
GANDALF: My lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir, but it is not now. War is coming. The enemy is on your doorstep…
DENETHOR: (shouts) WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?!!!! GUARDS, GUARDS, GUARDS!!! THE ENEMY’S ON THE DOORSTEP!!!!
The guards run over to the doorstep and they kill one of the citadel guards outside.
GANDALF: No, no, no, no, NO!!! I mean, Sauron is about to unleash his army of orcs from Mordor to attack you. You just killed one of your citadel guards.
DENETHOR: (shouts) WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?!
A couple of days later, Gandalf looks over the wall with the Gondorian soldiers beside him.
GONDORIAN SOLDIER 1: Will Théoden come? Will his riders come?
GANDALF: No, we’re all going to die!
GONDORIAN SOLDIER 2: What?!
GANDALF: Alright, you’ve had your answer. Now be off with you.
A moment of silence ensues, as the Gondorian soldiers stare at Gandalf.
GANDALF: (rolls eyes) Alright fine! He may come, he may not. (agitated) Just…just look at me! I’m an old man! And…I became a white wizard, even though I wasn’t wearing any clothes on. And…JUST LOOK AT ME!!! DOES IT LOOK LIKE I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS?!!! I’M GAINING WEIGHT! AND NOW YOU THINK THAT I’M…
Whilst Gandalf rants away,…
…inside the citadel of Minas Tirith…
PIPPIN: I offer you my service as…
DENETHOR: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just say you’ll do it.
PIPPIN: I’ll do it then.
DENETHOR: Good. Now, kiss this…
Pippin kisses Denethor’s left hand.
DENETHOR: Kiss that.
Pippin kisses Denethor’s right hand.
DENETHOR: And kiss me!
Reluctantly, Pippin kisses Denethor’s cheek. Pippin coughs and splutters once he’s done that.
PIPPIN: What have you been eating?
DENETHOR: (whispers) Cigarettes.
PIPPIN: I’m sorry, what?
DENETHOR: (yells) CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!
Denethor’s “CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!” echoes in the citadel and beyond.
With the Riders of Rohan…
DENETHOR: (echoes from a distance) CIGARETTES!!!!!!!!!
A moment of silence.
ROHAN RIDER: Yep, that’s him alright.
Back in Minas Tirith…
DENETHOR: (shouts) THAT…IS WHAT I’VE BEEN HAVING!!!! (Pause) NOW…I WANT FOOD!!!!
Denethor moves over to sit at his dining table.
DENETHOR: (shouts) I SIT DOWN!!!!
Very soon, Denethor eats away at his food, stuffing bread, chicken and tomatoes like crazy. He wolfs most of his meal before he eventually stops.
DENETHOR: I’m bored.
Denethor then looks up to see his son Faramir for the first time.
DENETHOR: (shouts) I HEAR…THAT THEY’VE TAKEN OVER MY…MY CITY! NOT YOURS! Mine!
FARAMIR: Yes. And would you mind not shouting so much when I’m talking to you? I remember when I was a little boy, you sang ‘Rock-A-Bye Baby’ to me and you got me deaf.
DENETHOR: (shouts) YES, I KNOW!!!!!
FARAMIR: Yes. Well, it’s overrun anyway. I mean, just look out of the window.
Faramir draws the curtain to show the city of Osgiliath outside, overrun by orcs. He waves at it.
FARAMIR: Bye!
DENETHOR: (shouts) WELL, ACTUALLY…I’ll lower my voice for a second.
Denethor turns the switch on his neck to lower his voice.
DENETHOR: Actually, I don’t really care. I just want you all to die and that. (Pause) Oh and another thing! Also, err…you’ll have no bedtime stories! EVER!!!!
FARAMIR: (shocked) No bedtime stories?!
DENETHOR: If you really want bedtime stories, get some men and get that city back!
FARAMIR: It’s your city! You get it back!
DENETHOR: I would, except, I’ve got to do some tidying up.
FARAMIR: Oh.
DENETHOR: And I’ve got to watch TV, and I’ve got to…clean up the dog…
FARAMIR: We don’t have a dog.
DENETHOR: (shrewdly) Pippin’s my new dog. (calls) PIPPIN!!!!
Pippin comes at Denethor’s beckoning command.
DENETHOR: (to Faramir) Go on! Have an onion!
FARAMIR: Oh, thank you.
Faramir takes an onion from Denethor’s table and begins to eat it. The onion makes Faramir’s eyes water as he eats it, and he starts to cry.
FARAMIR: (tearfully) I shall go now. (Pause) I love you, Dad.
Faramir is about to leave.
DENETHOR: Oh yes, son!
FARAMIR: Yes?
DENETHOR: (gradually) I wish…Boromir was you right now! (Pause) Oh, and another six ounces, I wish you were dead and Boromir alive.
FARAMIR: (sarcastically) Oh thank you! That is so kind of you!
DENETHOR: Yeah, I know. (Pause) GO!!!!!!
With that, Faramir leaves, taking another bite out of his onion. He cries even more and Pippin watches him go.
Chapter 19
Going to Cirith Ungol, but Sam doesn’t care
On the road to Minas Morgul, Frodo and Sam are asleep. Gollum is nearby and talks in his sleep.
GOLLUM: (sleepy) Too risky! Too risky! Thieves! They stole it from us. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them both.
Gollum wakes up with a scream.
GOLLUM: Ssh!!! Quiet! They might hear us!
SAM: (sleepy) Yeah, quiet, Gollum.
Gollum moves away from Frodo and Sam, as he goes over to a lake.
GOLLUM: (as Gollum) We don’t want them to hear us, do we? (as Sméagol) But they knows! They knows! They’re always watching, WATCHING, WATCHING!!!
After Sam overhears what Sméagol and Gollum have been saying to each other at the lake.
GOLLUM: The precious…will be ours…once…the hobbitses are dead!
As Gollum throws a pebble in the water, Sam appears behind him.
SAM: Well, theoretically, it’s two hobbits against one, so the chances aren’t in your favour, so…Oh what’s the point?
Sam ends up punching and beating up Gollum. Frodo wakes up, scrambles out of his blanket and stops Sam beating up Gollum.
FRODO: How dare you hit Gollum?
SAM: Look, listen! Listen! I recorded this!
Sam takes out his cassette tape recorder and plays it back for Frodo to hear. But it ends up playing jazzy music, not what Gollum said.
SAM: (groans) Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Annoyed, Sam tosses the cassette tape recorder away to one side.
Gollum insists on his innocence.
GOLLUM: Never! Sméagol wouldn’t hurt hobbitses! He wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Gollum rubs his head and see he’s killed something.
GOLLUM: Aaagh!!! A fly! (accusingly; at Sam) He’s a hobbit! Fat hobbit! Who hates Sméagol…
SAM: (interrupts; annoyed) I’m not fat! All this weight of mine isn’t me! This isn’t even my double chin…
Sam takes off his fake double-chin…
SAM: As you can see…
Realising he took the fake double-chin off, he puts it back on again.
GOLLUM: (abusively) Fat hobbit! Fat hobbit! Fat hobbit!
SAM: You’re fat as well!
GOLLUM: You’re ugly!
SAM: You’re disgusting!
GOLLUM: You’re smelly!
SAM: You’re bald!
GOLLUM: You’re #bleep#!!!
SAM: (affronted) You #bleep# #bleep#!” (Pause) That’s it! I’m going to kill you for this!
FRODO: Stop it, Sam! You’re a #bleep#!
SAM: Now you #bleep# at that, you blinking #bleep# #BLEEP#!!!
FRODO: I’m not sending him okay, just leave him alone! #bleep#!
SAM: Fine, you #BLEEP# #BLEEP# #BLEEP# #BLEEP#!!! (to audience) I didn’t swear! I #BLEEP#! No, I didn’t swear!
Frodo and Sam climb up the stairs to Cirith Ungol.
SAM: (exhausted) Let’s take a rest.
As they climb up, Frodo stamps on Sam’s hands accidentally, causing him to fall down. Sam’s cry echoes as he falls.
SAM: (cries; from a distance) CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!
Sam ends up at the bottom of the first steps to Cirith Ungol.
SAM: (from a distance) I’ll be right back up, Frodo. You just wait.
Frodo continues to climb up the stairs.
GOLLUM: Careful, master! Careful! Very far to fall! Very dangerous are the stairs.
Gollum reaches the top and turns around to look at Frodo climbing up.
GOLLUM: Come, master.
As Frodo gets up on top of the first set of stairs, the Ring hangs from its chain around his neck. Gollum sees it and his eyes become mesmerised.
GOLLUM: Come to Sméagol.
Gollum reaches his hand out towards the Ring.
SAM: (from a distance) Hey, you! Get away from him!
Gollum looks to see Sam draw his sword, as he climbs back up the first set of stairs.
SAM: (from a distance) Okay, I may not reach you from here…but um, I can spit on you!
Sam tries spitting at Gollum from a distance. It doesn’t work.
SAM: (from a distance) Aww, it doesn’t work. (shouts) Get away from him!
But Gollum instead reaches out and grabs Frodo by the wrist to pull him up.
GOLLUM: (shouts down to Sam) WHY DOES HE HATES POOR SMÉAGOL?!!!
SAM: (from a distance) Stop shouting! You’re getting rocks falling on my head!
Sam reacts in pain once he’s been hit by the rocks falling on his head.
SAM: Oww!!!
GOLLUM: (shouts down to Sam) WHAT HAS SMÉAGOL EVER DONE TO HIM?!!!
Gollum makes out Sam stole and ate all the food.
GOLLUM: Crumbs on his jacketses! He took it! HE TOOK IT!!! I’ve seen him! He’s always stuffing his face when master’s not looking! He’s very fat, fat, fat, fat, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT!!!!
SAM: Now that really got me angry!
Being insulted like that, Sam hits Gollum. He soon grabs him by the throat and starts punching him.
SAM: You stupid! Die, die, die, die, die, die!
Frodo pushes Sam away from Gollum and stops him.
FRODO: (screams) STOP IT, SAM! STOP IT!!!! NOW!!!
SAM: Well, I was only joking…
Frodo soon collapses in a heap, but Sam doesn’t care.
After Frodo pushes Sam away from trying to get the Ring…
GOLLUM: See? See? He wants it for himself.
SAM: Okay fine, I want it for myself.
FRODO: Get lost, Sam!
SAM: What?
FRODO: Get lost!
SAM: Get lost?
FRODO: GO!!!!!!!!
SAM: (realises; overjoyed) YES!!!!
Sam soon takes out an onion from his jacket pocket.
SAM: Oh hey, do you want an onion?
FRODO: No!
SAM: Alright.
Sam takes out a bite from his onion. His eyes water and he cries. But his tears are of absolute joy for being freed from Frodo.
SAM: (laughs; cries) I’M SO HAPPY!!!!
FRODO: Goodbye, Sam.
SAM: Goodbye! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With that ‘Yippie’, Sam jumps off and plummets down to the top of the first set of stairs. He ends up on his back with a bang.
SAM: Oww!!! (calls; to Frodo) Good luck with the Ring!
Frodo and Gollum meanwhile continue their journey to Cirith Ungol.
Chapter 20
The Messy Pyre of Denethor
Elrond presents the newly re-forged sword of Elendil called Andúril – Flame of the West – to Aragorn at Théoden’s camp at Dunharrow.
ELROND: We fixed it; we mended it; every time you look at it, you’ll feel like you’re in love with it! Ooh, like a woman! (Pause) Now, when I say now, pull it out.
Aragorn grabs onto the hilt of the newly re-forged sword with one hand.
ELROND: Two hands!
Aragorn grabs the hilt with the other hand.
ELROND: (annoyed) No, you put your hand there and you pull it out when ready!
Elrond rearranges Aragorn’s hands on the sword and sheath in order for him to pull it out.
Inside the haunted mountain called the Dwimorberg, Aragorn leads Legolas and Gimli forward. Aragorn pants as he runs.
LEGOLAS: Aragorn! It says ‘no running’!
ARAGORN: Oh right.
LEGOLAS: And ‘no smoking’!
GIMLI: Aww!
Gimli throws his cigarette away as he, Legolas and Aragorn continue making their way into the haunted mountain, but without running.
During the siege of Minas Tirith, Pippin runs to Gandalf, getting his attention.
PIPPIN: Gandalf! Denethor is about to have a barbeque!
GANDALF: Oh, that’s nice!
PIPPIN: With Faramir on top!
GANDALF: Oh, it’ll be like a father and son thing.
PIPPIN: No, he’s going to burn Faramir alive.
GANDALF: What?! I can’t allow that! He’s my…
Everyone looks at Gandalf.
GANDALF: (hesitates) I did not say he was my son! Come, Pippin! Up quickly!
Gandalf grabs Pippin by the arm and swings him up onto Shadowfax, as they gallop towards the upper levels of Minas Tirith.
In the Tombs of the Kings, Denethor empties a jug of oil over his head. Faramir is also covered in oil.
DENETHOR: Didn’t you bring any shampoo and conditioner with oil?
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: Sorry, sir. They ran out of stock.
DENETHOR: Oh. (shouts to everyone) I WANT YOU ALL TO SET FIRE TO OUR BODIES! AND LET US BURN!!! (whispers) Slowly!
Denethor stands above Faramir with his arms extended wide. The soldiers advance on the pyre with torches in their hands.
DENETHOR: No, wait. Hold back.
The soldiers stop at Denethor’s command.
DENETHOR: Okay, go.
The soldiers continue their advance. Suddenly, the door bursts open with Gandalf and Pippin on Shadowfax charging in. Denethor turns to look.
DENETHOR: (annoyed) What do you want?
GANDALF: Err, I want beef!
A moment of confused silence ensues.
GANDALF: Err, stay this madness. This…thing.
Denethor grabs a torch and stands with it in his hand.
DENETHOR: Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it? I’ll drop it! I really will drop it!
GANDALF: No, no, no. You really won’t drop it!
DENETHOR: Yeah, yeah, I will drop it!
GANDALF: How much do you want me to pay you not to drop it!
DENETHOR: Ten quid.
GANDALF: Here.
Gandalf takes out his wallet and opens it. He realises he hasn’t got enough.
GANDALF: Oh a fiver. (Pause) Do you have any spare change?
DENETHOR: (fumes) I HATE CHANGE!!!
With that, Denethor drops the torch on the timbers, which catch alight instantly.
GANDALF: Oh great!
Gandalf grabs a spear off a guard at the door and gallops up to the pyre.
GANDALF: Right! You get off for starters!
Gandalf knocks Denethor off the pyre.
DENETHOR: Whee!!!!
Denethor ends up on the floor.
GANDALF: And Pippin, push um…Push Faramir off!
Pippin jumps off from the back of Shadowfax onto the top of the pyre.
PIPPIN: He’s on fire!
Eventually, he pushes Faramir off the top of the pyre and onto the floor.
PIPPIN: Oh yikes, oh yikes, he is on fire! Get me a fire extinguisher!
Pippin gets a nearby fire extinguisher and douses the flames that have caught on Faramir. Denethor meanwhile jumps up.
DENETHOR: NO!!!!!! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY SON FROM ME! I’LL RIP THE HAIR OFF YOURS!!!
Denethor struggles with Pippin and begins to rip his hair out. Pippin cries out in pain. Gandalf meanwhile rides up on Shadowfax towards Denethor.
GANDALF: Say ‘hello’ to the horsey!
DENETHOR: Hello, horsey!
Shadowfax kicks Denethor away back onto the pyre.
DENETHOR: (in pain) Oof! Oh my!
Whilst Denethor’s on the pyre, he sees Faramir waking up.
FARAMIR: (yawns) Hey, dad.
DENETHOR: (surprised) Oh Faramir! You’re alive! (Pause) I knew that.
FARAMIR: (confused) Dad, you’re on fire.
DENETHOR: Am I?
Denethor then screams as he catches fire. He jumps off the pyre and runs up the corridor in a ball of flames.
GANDALF: Farewell…whoever you are.
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: Denethor!
GANDALF: Denethor, um…
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: The son of Ecthelion!
GANDALF: The son of Ecthelion!
As Denethor runs all the way along the forecourt, two Gondorian guard try to cook their kebabs onto him.
GONDORIAN GUARD #1: Hey, steward, please stop! We want to heat up our kebabs!
GONDORIAN GUARD #2: Yeah, please stop! We want to heat up our kebabs on you!
In the end, Denethor falls from the end of the parapet. So do the two Gondorian guards with their kebabs, as they scream away.
Chapter 21
Éowyn fights the Witch-King with his dumb Fell-Beast
At the battle of the Pelennor Fields, the Rohirrim continue to fight the Mûmakil.
ROHAN SOLDIER: (shouts) King Théoden! Look up! Look up there!
THÉODEN: (dismissively) Oh shut up! I know where to look! I know that nothing’s going to happen to me! NOTHING’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME…
Suddenly, Théoden and his horse Snowmane are caught up by the Witch-King and his Fell-Beast. The Fell-Beast catches them in its mouth and throws them both down. Théoden ends up on the ground underneath his horse.
THÉODEN: (annoyed) Oww! That hurt!
ROHAN SOLDIER: I did warn you.
THÉODEN: (annoyed; dismissively) Shut up!
Meanwhile, the Witch-King and his Fell-Beast move towards Théoden under the stricken horse.
WITCH-KING: Feast on his flesh!
Théoden looks up from the ground, unable to move as he’s trapped under his horse. The Fell-Beast moves towards him, but Éowyn moves in front of Théoden to protect him.
ÉOWYN: I will kill you if you touch him!
WITCH-KING: (scoffs) Oh, you, kill me? (laughs; to Fell-Beast) Eat her, or him, or it. I don’t really care.
The Fell-Beast sniffs and looks away, distracted and not paying attention.
WITCH-KING: (annoyed) EAT IT!!!
The Fell-Beast lunges forwards, but she kills him instantly, cutting off its head.
WITCH-KING: You stupid creature!
The Fell-Beast falls down dead and the Witch-King turns towards Éowyn as she picks up a wooden shield and approaches him.
WITCH-KING: (angrily) That pet cost me 50 Gold! I had to feed him Pedigree every day! (Pause) Now you shall feel the fury of my fur ball!
Éowyn gasps once she sees his massive mace.
WITCH-KING: And my sword!
With that, the Witch-King swings his mace at her, but misses.
ÉOWYN: You’re a rubbish hitter, you know that.
The Witch-king continues swinging the mace at her, but she manages to avoid it several times. Eventually, he manages to hit her, shattering her shield and breaking her arm. Éowyn falls to the ground.
WITCH-KING: (gloats) Ha, ha, I won!
A while later on the battlefield, Éowyn looks up at the Witch-King, as he grabs her by the throat and lifts her up.
WITCH-KING: You fool! No man can kill me! Die now!
Merry manages to crawl behind unnoticed, as he stabs the Witch-King in the back. Merry cries out in pain and holds his arm, which stabbed the Witch-King.
WITCH-KING: Another stupid creature.
Éowyn meanwhile removes her helmet before the Witch-King.
ÉOWYN: I am no man!
WITCH-KING: (panics) No, no! Please don’t!
But Éowyn thrusts her sword into the space in the Witch-King’s helmet. It sparks and he roars, as the sword flies back out. Éowyn falls to the floor as the Witch-King folds in on himself.
WITCH-KING: (screams) YOU STUPID SON OF A WITCH!!!!!
Eventually, he disappears.
Elsewhere on the battlefield, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and the Army of the Dead fight against the forces of Mordor.
ARAGORN: (cries) Legolas! Look up there!
They all look to see a Mûmakil coming straight towards them.
GIMLI: Oh don’t worry! I’ll get rid of it!
Gimli manages to charge up and get on top of the Mûmakil, only to fall off and scream as he does so.
LEGOLAS: (sighs) I’ll get rid of it!
With that, Legolas runs up towards the Mûmakil and sorts it out.
Chapter 22
Inside Cirith Ungol where Frodo is naked
Inside Shelob’s lair, Frodo has been abandoned by Gollum.
FRODO: (calls) Sméagol! Are you there?
No response.
FRODO: (calls) Sméagol? (Pause) Sméagol?
Still no response. Frodo realises he’s alone and soon starts to burst into tears.
FRODO: (tearfully) Fat hobbit.
SAM: (from a distance) Oy, I heard that!
Frodo continues to cry as he walks forward.
FRODO: Err…where am I going?
Frodo soon ends up stepping into some bones of skeletons, which go crunch and squish.
SKELETON #1: Oww! Watch it there, mate!
SKELETON #2: Yeah, we’re dead for crying out loud. Show us some respect, will you?
FRODO: (panics) Err…I’ve got to get out of here!!!
SKELETON #1: (wryly) Oh, you hadn’t thought of that.
As Frodo panics, he runs through the tunnels, past many skeletons and animals hanging up in webs.
Sam climbs down the stairs of Cirith Ungol, happy that he’s been freed of Frodo’s service
SAM: Yep! Yippie, yippee! I’m free, I’m free!
As he climbs down the remainder of the stairs to the bottom, he then spots a piece of paper nearby.
SAM: Hello, what’s this?
Sam picks up the piece of paper and reads it.
SAM: (reads) If you want to win a million pounds, visit… (struggles to read) Sh-sh-sh-shr-shr-shr-shrunk-shrunk…Shrunkhed’s lair. (Pause) Alright, I’ll go there right now.
Sam looks up back up the stairs.
After fighting Shelob the spider, Sam runs over to the webbed-up object, believing it to be his money.
SAM: Okay, money, money, money! Come to me, money!
Sam pulls the webs away and it’s revealed to be…
SAM: (disappointed) Oh, it’s Frodo.
Sam shakes Frodo about and picks him up in his arms.
SAM: Frodo, where’s my money? Tell me where my money is!
But Frodo just gives a blank stare as if he were dead.
SAM: Oh, you want to do a staring contest? Alright, let’s have a staring contest.
Sam stares at Frodo, thinking it’s a staring contest they’re doing. A long moment of silence ensues. And then…
SAM: You blinked!
Frodo still doesn’t respond.
SAM: Frodo, where’s my money?
No response.
SAM: WHERE IS MY MONEY?!!!!
Still no response.
SAM: Okay, where’s my money?
As Frodo continues not to respond…
SAM: Wait a minute. Is Frodo dead?
Sam soon clenches his fist in joy.
SAM: YES!!! He’s dead, he’s dead! I don’t have to worry about him anymore!
Once Sam hides away, the orcs led by Shagrat come down from the pass and they examine the webbed-up Frodo.
SHAGRAT: Looks like old Shelob’s been having a bit of fun.
GORBAG: Killed another one, has she?
SHAGRAT: No.
Shagrat then pokes Frodo about with his sword, which is broken.
SHAGRAT: Nope! He’s not dead.
A moment of silence.
SHAGRAT: (shouts) HE’S NOT DEAD!!!!!
But Sam refuses to listen, blocking his ears.
SAM: I did not hear that, I did not hear that!
A while later in the tower of Cirith Ungol, Frodo wakes up. He’s all bound and naked. Behind him, Shagrat and Gorbag sort through Frodo’s belongings. Shagrat picks up Frodo’s mithril shirt and turns it about in the light, admiring it. Gorbag sees him.
GORBAG: Oy! Hands off! That shiny shirt! That’s mine!
SHAGRAT: IT’S GOING TO THE GREAT EYE!!!
GORBAG: Hey, calm down, man!
SHAGRAT: Along with everything else!
GORBAG: I don’t take orders from stinking Morgul scum! You’re scum! You’re a scum, aren’t you?! You’re a woman as well! You’re a woman, aren’t you?!
Shagrat pulls out his sword at Gorbag.
SHAGRAT: You get any closer and I’ll stick this blade right in your gut!
GORBAG: That sword’s broken!
SHAGRAT: I know.
A moment of silence. Then Shagrat and Gorbag instantly fight each other out of random with Frodo still lying on the floor.
A while later, after the orcs have fought with each other in Cirith Ungol, Frodo struggles with his bonds in order to try and escape. Shagrat appears behind him.
SHAGRAT: Stop your squealing, you dunghill rat!
Shagrat pulls out his knife.
SHAGRAT: I’m going to bleed you! Like a stuffed…HOG!!!!
Just as Shagrat is about to thrust his knife into Frodo, he suddenly cries out and gets stuck through the chest by a blue blade. Sam appears behind him.
SAM: If you mean a stuffed hog, do you mean you’re going to treat him like a hog roast? Because I don’t think he’ll be eatable. He’s got parasites, you see, and…oh what’s the point?
Sam pushes Shagrat off his sword. Shagrat is dead.
FRODO: (overjoyed) Sam!
SAM: (disappointed) Oh, you’re alive.
FRODO: (overjoyed) Sam, I’m so glad to see you! Give me a hug!
Frodo opens his arms wide, but Sam doesn’t oblige.
SAM: You haven’t got anything on.
FRODO: (happily) Yeah, I know! I’m naked! I’m completely naked!
SAM: (annoyed) OH PUT SOMETHING ON!!!
FRODO: (happily) I can’t. I’ve lost my clothes.
SAM: Here! Here are your clothes.
Sam throws Frodo’s clothes at him.
SAM: Now! I only came here…to get the money. (realises) Oh look! Here’s the money right here.
Sam sees the money nearby and picks it up.
SAM: (pleased) Yes! Right, well, I’m leaving. You told me to leave.
Just as Sam is about to leave…
FRODO: (pleads) Sam, Sam. I want you to stay with me.
Sam gives a pained look that turns into an agonised look, before he puts on a smile and tries to be cheerful when looking at Frodo.
SAM: I’ll be happy to stay with you…
Sam then bursts into tears.
Chapter 23
The Black Gate Opens…and Everyone is a Moron
In the Great Hall of Minas Tirith, Gandalf talks to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Éomer…
GANDALF: He’s suffered a defeat, yes, but…behind the walls of Mordor, our enemy is regrouping.
GIMLI: Well, let him stay there. Let Saruman rot! Why should we care?
GANDALF: (confused) No, let’s put Sauron on the subject at hand.
GIMLI: (puzzled) Why Sauron? I thought we left him back at his tower when we defeated him at Helm’s Deep.
GANDALF: No, you’re getting the names mixed up. Sauron’s our main enemy in Mordor. Saruman is the one we left behind in Isengard.
GIMLI: Oh, so Sauron’s the main enemy, Saruman isn’t.
GANDALF: That’s right.
GIMLI: Okay. I’ll say it again. (clears throat) Let him stay there. Let him rot! Why should we care?
GANDALF: Because ten thousand orcs stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. Also, when you said “Let him rot”; were you talking about Sauron or Saruman?
GIMLI: Frederick!
GANDALF: (baffled) Who’s Frederick?
GIMLI: Our enemy.
GANDALF: (sighs) No, it’s Sauron who’s our enemy. Not Frederick.
GIMLI: Okay, I get you.
GANDALF: Good. Now who’s our main enemy?
GIMLI: Bob!
GANDALF: (gradually; groans) Sauron!
GIMLI: Sauron, sorry.
GANDALF: Okay, who’s our main enemy then?
GIMLI: (thinks) It’s…Sa…ru…man!
Gandalf rolls his eyes and gives up.
GANDALF: (continues) Ten thousand orcs stand between Frodo and Mount Doom. I’ve sent him to his death. What kind of a friend am I? I’m old, I’m ugly, and I’ve no sense of fashion.
ARAGORN: Frodo’s not dead yet, is he?
GIMLI: Well, he could be, even though Steve killed him.
GANDALF: (annoyed) Sauron, Gimli!
GIMLI: Sorry.
Following a long debate…
ARAGORN: I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we…attack Sauron?
GIMLI: Well, yeah alright! Let’s go to Isengard!
Gandalf is even more annoyed.
GANDALF: (annoyed) Just…just…Gimli, just don’t take part in this discussion, will you?
A while later, as Aragorn and his army of Gondorian and Rohan soldiers approach the Black Gate of Mordor…
GIMLI: I can’t wait to sort Eric out!
GANDALF: (annoyed) Sauron, Gimli!
GIMLI: No, Eric, sir. An elf friend of mine who turned into an orc.
Gandalf rolls his eyes.
In the land of Mordor, Frodo and Sam trudge on. Sam then notices the Eye of Sauron about to look at them.
SAM: (slow-mo) Frodo, get down!
Sam dives down to the ground. Frodo, still standing, turns to look at the Eye. Frodo waves at it.
FRODO: (dazed) Hello!
The Eye, thinking it’s seen something, focuses closer.
SAM: (slow-mo) Get down, you stupid plonker! Frodo!
Frodo, still dazed, collapses to the ground. He lies on the ground, his eyes wide open, whilst the Eye passes them by.
FRODO: (dazed) What was that?
At the Black Gate itself…
MERRY: Where are they?
PIPPIN: I was going to say that! Where are they?
GANDALF: Okay, let’s ride over there. Come on!
With that, Aragorn, Gandalf, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer, Merry and a Gondorian standard bearer ride off in one direction, until eventually…
GANDALF: I haven’t got a clue why we went that way.
Realising they went the wrong way; they head back the other way and ride up to the Black Gate. Once they’ve arrived…
ARAGORN: Okay, let’s knock on the door.
Aragorn knocks gently on the door.
GANDALF: (annoyed) More like this!
Gandalf bangs his fist on the door.
ARAGORN: Oh wait, sorry. Let’s use the doorbell.
With that, Aragorn rings the doorbell. The doorbell sounds eerily similar to Hyacinth’s doorbell from ‘Keeping Up Appearances’. Eventually, the door opens and the Mouth of Sauron answers. It happens to be…Hyacinth Bucket.
HYACINTH: Hello! What can I do for you?
ARAGORN: Where is Sauron?
HYACINTH: Could you ask that in a more polite way?
GANDALF: Where is Sauron please?
HYACINTH: He’s right there.
Hyacinths point to the tower of Barad-dûr.
HYACINTH: Why, what can he do for you?
ARAGORN: We want him to come out!
HYACINTH: He can’t come out! He has to stay where he is.
ARAGORN: (shouts) We demand that he comes out!
Hyacinth thinks for a moment.
HYACINTH: Hold on a minute.
Hyacinth is soon on the telephone to talk to Sauron. Eventually, she returns to Aragorn and the others.
HYACINTH: He can’t come out, but would you like to have a war with him?
ARAGORN: Yes!
HYACINTH: Okay. He hopes you’ll lose and that you’ll all die horribly in the end. I might be able to provide you a candlelight supper afterwards.
Hyacinth closes the door. Eventually, the Black Gate opens and out comes an army of Mordor orcs marching towards them.
ARAGORN: (calls) Fall back!
No response.
ARAGORN: Fall back!
With that, Gandalf, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer, Merry and the Gondorian standard bearer ‘fall back’ off their horses. Aragorn groans, annoyed.
GANDALF: Well, you did say ‘fall back’.
ARAGORN: (annoyed) NO!!!! Get back on your horses and ride back to the rest of our soldiers, will you?
After they get back on their horses, Aragorn and the others ride back towards their Gondorian and Rohan army of soldiers with the army of Mordor orcs marching behind them.
With the Gondorian and Rohan soldiers waiting for Aragorn and the others to return…
ARAGORN: (calls) Stand your grand! Stand your grand!
GANDALF: Stand your grand?
ARAGORN: I mean ‘ground’! Stand your ground!
The Gondorian and Rohan soldiers do as they’re told, as Aragorn rides across the front of the army to address them all.
ARAGORN: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers!
ROHAN DUDE: Don’t doubt, man!
ARAGORN: I see that in your eyes, you are afraid!
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: We’re not really afraid.
ROHAN SOLDIER: Nope, nope. Not at all.
A moment of silence.
ARAGORN: A day may rise…that we will win and we will always…always be with each other and never be separated! But it is not this day! Towers will rise and all good will finish [off…]
Gimli interrupts Aragorn by making a loud belch.
GIMLI: (belches) Pardon me.
ARAGORN: Shut up, Gimli!
GIMLI: Oh, charming!
ARAGORN: I’m making a speech! (continues) All good will finish [off…]
GIMLI: (interrupts; scoffs) You call that a speech! Ha-ha-ha!
Interrupted again by Gimli, Aragorn loses his train of thought in his speech-making.
ARAGORN: All good will…err…
Thankfully, he’s soon back on track.
ARAGORN: All good will defeat evil! But it is not this day! This day…
GIMLI: …is Thursday!
Aragorn gives Gimli a look, annoyed by his constant interrupting.
ARAGORN: (continues) We fail!
A moment of confused silence.
ARAGORN: (continues) Which means, we fight!
GIMLI: (realises) We fight not to fail!
ARAGORN: (continues) And I say to you, dear brothers…
GONDORIAN SOLDIER: You’re not my brother.
ROHAN SOLDIER: You’re not mine either.
ROHAN DUDE: I thought you were my sister, man.
Aragorn ignores the soldiers interrupting him.
ARAGORN: (continues) By all that you hold dear, on this good earth, I bid you stand…
Aragorn raises his sword up high, but it falls out of his hand.
ARAGORN: Oh, sorry.
Aragorn gets down and picks the sword up before he gets back up onto his horse and raises his sword up again.
ARAGORN: I bid you stand! Men of the West, of Gondor, Rohan, Britain…and the Shire! Swords!
The soldiers all unsheathe their weapons and stand ready. Aragorn wheels around on his horse to confront the approaching enemy of Mordor orcs.
Meanwhile, Sam is doing perfectly walking up Mount Doom whilst Frodo is struggling. Frodo stumbles and lies down helpless on the ground as the mountain spews forth balls of lava. Whilst this is happening, the flute player from ‘The Black Gates Opens’ music track can be heard in the background.
FRODO: (wearily) Sam!
SAM: Yeah?
FRODO: Where are you?
SAM: I’m up here.
FRODO: Help me!
SAM: Why should I help you? You never help me. You treat me like I’m a piece of junk. (Pause) And who’s that playing the flute? Oy, you! Guy with the flute! Cut that out!
Sam tries to talk back with flute language, but the flute player keeps on playing regardless. Meanwhile, Frodo, his eyes bloodshot, grits his teeth and groans as he struggles to move forward.
SAM: Frodo, you have arms and legs. You can use them, you lazy piece of dirt.
But Frodo crawls on his hands and knees past Sam, who sits on a nearby rock.
SAM: Oh please!
Eventually, Frodo isn’t able to make it any further. He soon falls down again on his face.
SAM: Frodo, get up!
No response.
SAM: Oh look! There’s your mother!
Still no response.
Back at the Black Gate, Pippin unsheathes his sword.
PIPPIN: I’ve got my sword out!
Merry looks at him and breathes heavily, holding himself ready for battle. As Éomer looks menacingly at the orcs, the orcs themselves surround the Gondorian/Rohan army, making strange noises that range from horse-like neighs to cow-like moos.
GANDALF: Weird.
With Gimli and Legolas…
GIMLI: I never thought I’d die fighting side-by-side with a…a pig-headed pillock!
LEGOLAS: What about side-by-side with a lover?
GIMLI: Phoar! I can do that!
Gimli licks his lips, looking at Legolas.
Back in Mordor, Sam makes his way over to Frodo.
SAM: Frodo!
With Frodo unresponsive, Sam picks him and turns him over.
SAM: Yep! Go on, get up! Get up! Sit on the rock! NO, ON THE ROCK!!!
Sam has Frodo cradled in his arms. Frodo is half-asleep whilst Sam cradles him.
SAM: Now…here’s a question for you, Frodo? What’s two plus two? (Pause) I’m doing a crossword.
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) Four…
SAM: Now, do you remember the Shire?
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) No…
SAM: Do you remember me?
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) No….
SAM: Will you stop saying ‘no’?
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) No….
SAM: (annoyed) SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
Sam slaps Frodo left and right, trying to snap him out of it.
SAM: I’ll give you an onion.
Sam fumbles in his pockets and takes out a slice of onion. Frodo wheezes heavily, as Sam is about to pop the slice of onion into his mouth.
SAM: Right, have the onion.
Sam pops the slice of onion into his mouth. Frodo tries eating it.
SAM: Yeah, have the onion, go on…
But Frodo ends up coughing out the slice of onion. It ends up somewhere on the mountainside.
SAM: You’re supposed to eat it, not spit it out.
FRODO: (weakly; wheezes) I can’t eat it…I can’t…ugh…
SAM: Okay, Frodo. Here’s what I’m going to do. I know I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately. But this time, things are going to change.
Frodo groans weakly.
SAM: I know there are occasions where you’ve been hurt and I’ve felt sorry for you. Even though I don’t like you. I don’t know how I met you. I just fell out of the window when I first met you.
Frodo continues to groan weakly.
SAM: So here’s what I’m going to do. And I’m going to say it like a man! (Pause) I can’t carry it for you! I can’t carry you! So, just carry me, will you?
Sam soon ends up lying on his back, waiting to be pulled by Frodo on the mountain. Frodo slowly struggles to get up.
FRODO: (weakly) Okay.
SAM: (impatiently) Come on!
Once on his feet, but very weak, Frodo pulls Sam by the legs and drags him up the mountain. Sam sighs relaxed and content, as he’s being pulled up the mountain, whilst Frodo suffers pulling him up.
SAM: Ah, that’s more like that! That’s right, keep pulling me up! I’m the important one here. Let’s see how you like my pain.
Frodo struggles terribly, as he keeps dragging Sam up the mountain.
SAM: That’s it! That’s it! Nearly there! Come on, we’re nearing to the top! We’re nearly at the end of our…
Frodo then stops pulling Sam up on the mountain.
FRODO: (weakly) I can’t do this anymore.
SAM: Yes, you can!
FRODO: (weakly) No, I can’t. I’ve got to let go.
With that, Frodo lets go of Sam. Sam screams, as he slides back down the mountain. Frodo ends up falling back and lying flat on the mountain. Sam ends up at the bottom of the mountain with a crash. He slowly gets back up on his feet.
SAM: Oww! (calls) I’ll be back up in a few minutes.
Chapter 24
The End of All Things…and the End of this Stupid ‘LOTR’ Comedy Version
After the War of the Ring is over; Sauron is defeated; and the One Ring is destroyed, Frodo and Sam are lying prone on a huge rock in Mordor. Rivers of lava flow by. In the distance, eagles fly towards them. Gandalf is on the back of one. The eagles caw as they fly towards Frodo and Sam.
GANDALF: Be quiet! I don’t want to wake them up while they’re sleeping.
EAGLE #1: Oh, sorry! Sorry!
They fly in and begin to pick up the two hobbits one by one.
GANDALF: (to Eagle #1) Okay, you. Grab that one.
The first eagle picks Frodo up carefully in his claws.
GANDALF: (to Eagle #2) And you, grab that fat one over there.
Sam wakes up.
SAM: (protests) I’m not fat for crying out loud! How many times do I have to tell you?! I know that it may be the end of me, but I’ll tell you one thing before I die! I’M NOT FAT…
Sam’s words are drowned out as the second eagle picks him up carefully in her claws and takes him away. Gandalf and the eagles fly off, as they carry Frodo and Sam with them. Frodo lies back with his eyes closed whilst Sam rants away about not being fat.
Sometime later, Frodo is lying in bed. Birds are singing in the background. Gradually, Frodo wakes up and sits up in bed. Coming round, he looks to see, as Gandalf is sitting at the bottom of his bed.
FRODO: (confused) Who are you?
GANDALF: Who’d you think? Your mother?
FRODO: (gradually; realises) Is it…are you…Gandalf?
GANDALF: Yeah, it’s me.
FRODO: Gandalf?
GANDALF: Yeah, it’s me.
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: YES!!!
FRODO: (excited) GANDALF!
GANDALF: (shouts) YES!!!!!
FRODO: (overjoyed) YIPPEE!!!!
Frodo jumps up out of bed and wraps his arms around Gandalf’s neck, strangling him. Gandalf chokes.
FRODO: (overjoyed) Oh Gandalf! I’m so glad to see you again!
GANDALF: (chokes) I feel like I’m back at the wagon!
As Frodo reunites with Merry and Pippin on the bed, Gimli comes through the door and spreads his arms out wide.
GIMLI: Aaaahh!!!
FRODO: Gimli!
GIMLI: You remembered my name! I LOVE YOU!!!!
Gimli charges towards Frodo and gives him a bear hug, causing the bed to collapse.
At Aragorn’s coronation as the King of Gondor, he meets up with Legolas and puts his hand on his shoulder.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Legolas. And I’m glad throughout our journey; you managed to keep your flowing blonde hair.
LEGOLAS: What hair? I’m bald now.
ARAGORN: Are you?
Legolas takes off his wig to show his bald head.
LEGOLAS: See? Now I’m bald.
ARAGORN: Oh yes, so you are.
Days later, back in the Shire, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are at the Green Dragon. Sam makes a bet with Merry.
SAM: I’ll make a bet with you, Merry. If I ask the barmaid to marry me and she says “yes”, you owe me ten quid.
MERRY: You’re on!
Sam finishes his drink, as he gets up and goes over to Rosie.
SAM: Um…Woman! Will you…?
FRODO: (calls) Sam, Sam! Her name’s Rosie.
SAM: (dismissively) Shut up! I’ll call her what I want to! (to Rosie) PIG!!! Will you…?
A few days later, Sam and Rosie are married.
FRODO: Sam, what about your other wives?
SAM: I’ll attend to them later on. (calls) Yes, first wife; second wife; third wife and fourth wife. Wait for me back at your homes. I have a honeymoon with my fifth wife to enjoy!
FRODO: (sighs; contented) Everybody’s happy.
MERRY: No, they’re not! I lost my bet to Sam, remember? I owed him ten quid.
PIPPIN: I ended up owing him twenty quid in our bet if he didn’t marry Woman-Rosie-Pig.
Days later, inside the cart travelling through the countryside to the Grey Havens, Frodo and Bilbo sit together. Bilbo is now very elderly.
BILBO: Bobo!
FRODO: My name’s Frodo, Bilbo.
BILBO: Frodo! Have you got the ring?
FRODO: The ring?
BILBO: Yes. The one I gave you. Haven’t you got it?
A moment of silence.
FRODO: No.
BILBO: (shocked) Aww, I’m so upset! And after all this time…
Bilbo ends up snoring and sleeping away on Frodo’s shoulder.
FRODO: Goodnight, Bilbo.
Frodo falls asleep too.
At the Grey Havens, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin help Bilbo, who uses his walking stick, to the harbour with Gandalf behind him. As they approach, Bilbo looks up and gasps loudly three times.
BILBO: (amazed) Well! Here’s a sight that I’ve never seen before.
SAM: What about your trip to Barry Island?
Bilbo ignores Sam, as he bows to Elrond, Celeborn and Galadriel who greet them.
BILBO: Hello.
GALADRIEL: The power of the three rings has ended. The time has come…for the dimension of men!
ELROND: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Bilbo smiles, as Elrond spreads his arms wide out to him.
ELROND: Come with us.
A moment of silence.
BILBO: (excitedly) I feel quite ready for another adventure! Yippee!!!
Bilbo walks forward, dropping the walking stick and making his way over to Elrond.
SAM: You don’t need the walking stick anymore, do you?
BILBO: Err…no!
With that, Bilbo boards the ship at the harbour with Elrond following behind him. Celeborn soon boards the ship with Galadriel following behind him.
GALADRIEL: We shall board the ship too!
LEGOLAS: And me! I’m coming with you, pretty lady.
Legolas follows behind Galadriel.
GIMLI: And I’m coming too, sexy thing.
Gimli licks his lips, as he follows Legolas aboard the ship.
Meanwhile, Gandalf turns to address Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin.
GANDALF: Farewell, my stupid, pathetic hobbits. My work is finished.
Frodo, Merry and Pippin meanwhile bursts into tears.
GANDALF: (annoyed) Oh don’t cry! I’m just an old wizard. You’re not going to lose much sleep over me.
SAM: I’m upset you’re going. Can’t you give me any more allowance money so I can do my betting?
GANDALF: No, from now on, you’re on your own.
SAM: Aww!
Gandalf soon boards the ship, but then realises…
GANDALF: Oh, I forgot Frodo.
He makes his way back to the hobbits.
GANDALF: It is time, Frodo.
FRODO: (puzzled) What, pardon?
GANDALF: Remember that chat we had?
FRODO: (remembers) Oh yes, sorry. I forgot. (to Sam; Merry; Pippin) Err, guys! Guys, I’m leaving!
Sam clenches his fist in joy.
SAM: YES!!!!
Once Frodo has gone and boarded the ship sailing off to the Grey Havens…
MERRY: Aww, I’m sad Frodo’s gone.
PIPPIN: Yeah. I miss him already.
SAM: (annoyed) He gave me a book?! What kind of a stupid idiot does that?
Back in Hobbiton, Sam returns home, drunk and disorderly. His children and his wife Rosie come out to meet him.
ROSIE: How was your day, dear?
SAM: Get me food and drink, woman!
ROSIE: Say hello to the kiddies.
SAM: Get off, you rats!
ROSIE: So, how did it go today?
SAM: I don’t know how it went today. I’ve had too many beers to think about it.
ROSIE: (gradually) Didn’t you learn anything from your trip with Frodo, Sam?
SAM: (thinks) Yes, I did actually. Never trust a person like Frodo again. (Pause) In other words, no! Of course, I didn’t learn anything. I just want to go in, have beer, sit down and watch telly. That is all I want.
As Sam makes his way into his home with Rosie and the children, he soon says the final line of the film as well as ‘The Lord of the Rings’ book.
SAM: (belches) Any more beer?
Tim: No, Sam! Say the line you’re supposed to say!
SAM: (sighs; annoyed) Alright! “Well, I’m back!” Happy now?
Once Sam and his family are in their home, they close the door. And then it collapses.
But it all turned out to be a dream and Frodo woke up.
FRODO: (realises) Oh. It was all a dream.
FRODO’S MUM: (from downstairs) Breakfast, North! And Merry Christmas!
