Hello everyone! 🙂
Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!
It’s time to continue checking out ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’, based on the ‘LOTR’ film trilogy directed by Peter Jackson. This comedy version of ‘LOTR’ is by me and my best friend from school – Stephen Buckley – which we put together via cassette tape from 2003 to 2005. I shared the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ as part of my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar in the build-up to Christmas, December 2021.
Last week, I shared Chapters 1 to 8 of the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ depicting ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’. Today, it’s time for the second instalment of the ‘LOTR: Comedy Version’ containing Chapters 9 to 16, depicting ‘The Two Twits’. Chapters 9 to 16 were originally shared from the 9th to the 16th of December 2021. I recall Stephen and I recording ‘The Fellowship of the Freak’ within one day in early 2003 whilst we recorded ‘The Two Twits’ over the course of a few days in late 2003 in the build-up to Christmas.
Hope you’ll find the second instalment of this comedic version of Middle-Earth entertaining! 🙂
Enjoy!
Tim 🙂
Chapter 9
The Clumsy Taming of Sméagol…and Gollum (We Think)
With Frodo and Sam in Emyn Muil, they’re about to have lunch.
FRODO: What food have we got left?
SAM: Well, let me see. Err…maggoty bread, pen, err…a dead orc…
Sam takes out a dead orc from his bag, which plops.
SAM: Err…another dead orc…
DEAD URUK-HAI: I’m an Uruk-hai!
SAM: Oh sorry! Dead Uruk-hai.
Sam takes out the dead Uruk-hai from his bag, which plops.
FRODO: (puzzled) How did they get in your bag?
SAM: I don’t know. (continues) Err, sword, shield, axe, saucepan…
FRODO: (interrupts) Is there anything we can eat at all?
SAM: Oh yes! There’s the lembas bread the elves gave us. Thankfully, Gimli didn’t eat all of it. I snuck some into my bag.
Sam passes some lembas bread to Frodo. Sam also helps himself to some lembas bread.
FRODO: Okay. Thanks, Sam.
SAM: I hope this is going to be delicious.
Frodo and Sam begin to tuck into their bead. As they do so, loud ‘Foundations of Stone’ music plays out loud, starling Frodo and Sam.
SAM: Wait a minute! What’s going on? There’s something wrong with this bread!
Sam checks.
SAM: Oh I’ve forgotten. We’re eating music bread.
Sam eats another end of his bread and ‘The Taming of Sméagol’ music plays out loud.
SAM: See?
Frodo and Sam eat more of their bread with ‘The Taming of Sméagol’ music playing. As they eat, Frodo and Sam find the bread not much to their tastes.
FRODO: (about to puke) Ugh! I think I’m going to be sick.
SAM: (disgusted) This tastes more like…mushy bread.
One night, Gollum attacks the hobbits. He clasps his arms around Sam’s neck and his legs around his waist in a death grip. Sam coughs and splutters whilst this happens.
SAM: (chokes) I sound like a… (coughs) …I sound like a Gollum as well!
Frodo unsheathes his sword Sting and holds it to Gollum’s throat.
FRODO: This…is a very sharp blade!
SAM: (chokes; annoyed) Well, of course, it is! Hurry up!
FRODO: You don’t want to be slit by it, do you? Do you, Gollum?
A while later, Frodo and Sam drag Gollum with them as their prisoner. Gollum makes a lot of noise as they go.
GOLLUM: It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it! Take it of us!
SAM: Us? How can there be an us? There’s only one of you!
Gollum screams some more and collapses onto his back.
SAM: It’s hopeless! Every orc in Mordor is going to hear this racket! Let’s just tie him up and leave him!
GOLLUM: No! NO! That would kill us! Kill us! KILL US!!!!
SAM: (annoyed) How can there be an us?! There’s only one of you!
After Frodo says he pities Gollum…
GOLLUM: (begs) We be nice to them if they be nice to us! Take it off us!
SAM: (shouts; frustrated) HOW CAN THERE BE AN US?!!! THERE’S ONLY ONE OF YOU!!!!!
Chapter 10
Chasing the Uruk-Hai and Toilet Trouble
In the land of Rohan, Gimli tries to catch up to Aragorn and Legolas as they pursue the Uruk-Hai who have taken Merry and Pippin captive. He stops running for a moment.
GIMLI: (huffs) Three days and nights pursuit! No food; no rest; no hunt for orc; nothing! (Pause) And I don’t believe it! No toilet! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE WET MY PANTS FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!
After running across the plains of Rohan for a while, Aragorn and Legolas manage to find an elven brooch on the ground. They continue running, whilst Gimli stumbles from behind some rocks and rolls to the ground.
LEGOLAS: Come on, Gimli! We’re gaining on them!
GIMLI: (pants) I’m wasted on cross-country! AND I’VE WET MY PANTS AGAIN!!!
The three hunters soon climb up a hill.
ARAGORN: Up the hill! Come on!
Aragon struggles up the hill as he climbs. Legolas is able to walk up perfectly up the hill. He looks down at Gimli.
LEGOLAS: Come on, Gimli!
Gimli huffs and puffs, and keeps on slipping and sliding back down the hill again and again as he tries to climb up the hill.
Eventually, Aragorn and Legolas reach the top of the hill and look across the plains below.
ARAGORN: Legolas! Do you know where we are?
LEGOLAS: We’re in Rohan.
ARAGORN: Yeah!
Gimli manages to get up on top of the hill.
GIMLI: (huffs) Where are we? Are we in…um…Mordor yet?
LEGOLAS: No, we’re in Rohan!
ARAGORN: Anyway, we’re not going to Mordor, you…Watch out! Watch out!
Gimli slips and falls back down the hill again, out of sight, crying out loud as he does so.
ARAGORN: (continues) We’re trying to find Merry and Pippin. If we know where they are.
ARAGORN: Do you know where they are, Legolas? Have you got any ideas?
Gimli is about head up on top of the hill as he climbs back up.
GIMLI: How can I see? I can’t see a thing…
ARAGORN: No, not you, Gimli. I mean him! Legolas! And get up!
Aragorn helps Gimli to his feet up on the hill.
LEGOLAS: And don’t call me a ‘him’! I don’t like that. (focuses) Let me have a look.
Legolas looks ahead and sees the horizon.
LEGOLAS: I can’t see very well. Where are my glasses?
Legolas takes out his glasses and puts them on.
GIMLI: I didn’t know you wore glasses.
LEGOLAS: Only when necessary.
Legolas continues to look out on the horizon with his glasses on.
LEGOLAS: Now…err…they’re taking them in for a cup of tea with the Bucket woman…as well as one of her candlelight suppers…dressed them up… (realises) I think they’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!
ARAGORN: (shocked) Isengard?!
GIMLI: Isengard?
LEGOLAS: Isengard.
ARAGORN: (realises) Saruman! Oh no!
And how could I not include this in the advent calendar post for today!
Enjoy! 😀
Chapter 11
Surely Treebeard is a Walking Talking Tree
Merry and Pippin run into Fangorn Forest after being chased by the orc called Grishnákh.
PIPPIN: Did we lose him?
MERRY: I think we lost him.
Just then, they see Grishnákh appear from behind the trees, brandishing his sword. He doesn’t see the hobbits yet however.
MERRY: (whispers) Now whatever you do, Pippin, don’t make a sound. The moment you make a noise, he’ll see us in an instant. Do you understand?
PIPPIN: (out loud) That’s absolutely fine!
Merry hushes Pippin, but it’s too late. Grishnákh sees them.
MERRY: (annoyed) Oh now you’ve done it!
GRISHNÁKH: I’m gonna rip out your filthy little innards!
MERRY: Come on, over here!
Merry and Pippin soon run for it with Grishnákh chasing them.
After being rescued by Treebeard from Grishnákh, the Ent suspects that Merry and Pippin are orcs.
MERRY: We’re not orcs! We’re hobbits!
TREEBEARD: Hobbits? Hmm!
Treebeard then inhales deeply and sucks Merry and Pippin into his nostrils. Merry and Pippin cry out loud inside Treebeard’s nostrils. They soon come out, covered in Treebeard’s snot as he holds them in his hands.
TREEBEARD: (continues) Never heard of a hobbit before.
A few days later, Merry and Pippin are in Treebeard’s protection. He takes them into the heart of Fangorn Forest, as they come to a clearing and stop.
TREEBEARD: We Ents have not been troubled about the wars of men and wizards…for a long time…a long time…
Treebeard then lets out a huge yawn inside the forest, getting on the hobbits’ nerves.
MERRY: Yeah, come on! Just get on with it!
TREEBEARD: I am…getting on with it! (Pause; continues) Something is about to happen…that has not happened…for an age! Entmoot!
MERRY: What’s that?
TREEBEARD: It’s a meeting!
MERRY: Meeting?
Very soon, more Ents like Treebeard gather in the clearing. They gather round and look closely at Merry and Pippin.
PIPPIN: (disgusted) Ugh, they’re looking at me! Ugh, one’s got a twig in his nose!
Pippin pulls the twig out of the Ent’s nose, to which he reacts in pain.
TREEBEARD: (tells off) Don’t do that! (Pause) Now, we must decide if the Ents will go to war.
MERRY: One of the Ents is looking at me very deeply.
Gradually, Merry ends up poking the Ent in the eye, to which he reacts in pain.
TREEBEARD: (tells off) Don’t poke him in the eye!
MERRY: Sorry.
TREEBEARD: (gradually) You two climb off whilst we Ents say “Hello” to each other.
Merry and Pippin climb off Treebeard as instructed.
PIPPIN: How long will it take for you to say “Hello”?
TREEBEARD: Half an hour.
PIPPIN: Half an hour?!
MERRY: That’ll mean it’ll be night-time by the time you’ve finished.
TREEBEARD: Yes. (gradually; slowly; to Ent) HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A moment of silence.
PIPPIN: Now it’s his turn.
The other Ent says “Hello” back.
ENT: (slowly) HELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This takes longer than Merry and Pippin anticipated.
PIPPIN: Let’s go to sleep.
And very soon, Merry and Pippin end up falling asleep, snoring as they do so.
Chapter 12
Let’s Get Through These Stinky Marshes with Dead People in Them as Quickly As Possible
Frodo and Sam follow Gollum, who is their guide to Mordor. They end up walking through the Dead Marshes. Sam steps in something as they walk.
SAM: (shocked) It’s a bog! He’s led us into a swamp!
GOLLUM: Swamp! Yes! Yes! YES!!!!
Gollum comes too close to Sam once he returns.
SAM: (scared) Keep away from me!
GOLLUM: Come, master! We take you on safe paths through the mist.
After Frodo fell in the Dead Marshes, he’s rescued by Gollum.
FRODO: (surprised) Gollum?
GOLLUM: (annoyed) Don’t follow the lights! DON’T FOLLOW THE LIGHTS!!! We tolds you not to follow them! But no! NO!!! No-one listens to us!
Gollum walks, sulking, whilst Sam helps Frodo up to his feet.
Later at night, Frodo talks to Gollum.
FRODO: You were not so very different from a hobbit once. Were you…Sméagol?
Gollum looks up slowly.
GOLLUM: (astonished) What did you call me?
FRODO: That was your name once, wasn’t it? A long time ago.
GOLLUM: (puzzled) My name. My name! My name?
As Gollum thinks, realisation slowly dawns.
GOLLUM: (recalls) S…S… Sméagol. (Pause) Yes! I remember now. Sméagol… (realises) Wait a minute! I remember you now!
FRODO: (puzzled) Pardon?
GOLLUM: You poked me in the eye! When we followeds you in Moria!
FRODO: (realises; laughs nervously) Err…um…yes. Yes, that’s right. I did do that, didn’t I?
GOLLUM: (menacingly) Why did you? Why did you do it? Why did you…?
Suddenly, they’re interrupted, as piercing cries of the Ringwraiths echo in the sky. This wakes Sam up.
SAM: (annoyed) Aww, not them again!
Gollum, Frodo and Sam hide from the Ringwraiths as they’re flying high in the sky on their Fell Beasts.
SAM: I thought they were dead.
GOLLUM: Dead? Dead?! DEAD?!!!
SAM: Must you repeat everything three times?
GOLLUM: (continues) No, you cannot kill them, no!
A day or so later, Frodo and Sam make to charge for the Black Gates of Mordor, which are closing, before Gollum stops.
GOLLUM: NO!!! No, Master! They’ll catch you! They’ll catch you! THEY’LL CATCH YOU!!!
SAM: (annoyed) Will you stop saying things three times already?
Jumping ahead to ‘The Return of the Weirdo’, Gollum leads Frodo and Sam on the path to Minas Morgul.
GOLLUM: Come! Come! We must go deeper…into Mordor! Into Mordor…
SAM: (interrupts) Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. You don’t have to keep telling us for the fifth time.
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
SAM: See, now he says it for the sixth time.
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
SAM: Now the seventh time.
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
SAM: Now the eight.
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
SAM: (loses it) NINTH!!!
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
SAM: (shouts) WILL YOU SHUT UP?!!!
GOLLUM: Must go deeper into Mordor…
Eventually, Sam gives up.
Chapter 13
The White Rider…Who Was Reborn Naked At First
In Fangorn Forest, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli continue to search for Merry and Pippin. Gimli examines some leaves which contain various flavours of juicy, fruity flowers on them. He tastes one…
GIMLI: Hmm. Cherry flower!
Then another…
GIMLI: Hmm. Apricot flower!
Then another…
GIMLI: Hmm. Apple flower!
Then another.
GIMLI: Hmm. Orange flower!
And finally…
GIMLI: (spits; disgusted) Orc blood!
ARAGORN: Gimli, stop tasting those, okay! We’re supposed to be looking for hobbits, not for leaves and flowers.
Gimli tastes the orc blood again, before spitting it out again, disgusted.
GIMLI: Ugh, I hate orc blood.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli continue searching the forest before they come across something.
GIMLI: Hey look! An orc has been splattered! Ha-ha!
ARAGORN: I wonder how you got dead, orc.
Grishnákh, despite being dead, manages to say something through his squashed face, but it’s inaudible.
ARAGORN: What did he say?
GIMLI: I don’t know.
LEGOLAS: He said I’ve been squashed by…a Brent!
ARAGORN: A Brent?
Still continuing to search the forest…
ARAGORN: How are we going to find Merry and Pippin in this place?
LEGOLAS: (notices) Those are odd footprints in the ground. They’re not hobbit footprints certainly.
ARAGORN: (ignores Legolas) Come on now! Come on, Legolas; come on, Gimli. Down we come!
They make their way down in the forest, before Aragorn spots something that fascinates him.
ARAGORN: (realises) Wait a minute! I think these are too big for hobbits’ footprints.
LEGOLAS: (annoyed) That’s what I just said! But no-one listens to me!
GIMLI: (ignorant) Sorry, didn’t hear you. What did you say?
LEGOLAS: (annoyed) See?! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?!
They continue searching further in the forest.
ARAGORN: (sniffs) Ugh! What’s that smell? (Pause) Has someone farted? Have you farted, Gimli?
GIMLI: No.
ARAGORN: What do you think, Legolas?
LEGOLAS: This forest is far old.
GIMLI: What do you expect it to be? New? Like my axe?
Just then, strange noises echo in the forest. Gimli takes out and raises his axe, ready for anything.
ARAGORN: (whispers) Gimli! Gimli!!!
GIMLI: Yes?
ARAGORN: Lower your axe!
Gimli does just that. He lowers it slightly.
ARAGORN: Lower it a bit more!
Gimli lowers it to the ground.
ARAGORN: A bit more for goodness sake!
Gimli digs his axe deep into the ground.
GIMLI: This is how far I can get to.
LEGOLAS: Gimli, he means ‘put your axe away’.
Gimli throws his axe to the ground.
LEGOLAS: NO!!! Put it in your…
GIMLI: Oh! Why didn’t you say so before?
Gimli picks up his axe from the ground and sheathes it.
Legolas soon notices something.
LEGOLAS: Aragorn!
ARAGORN: What is it, Legolas?
LEGOLAS: We must speak in duck language! Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
ARAGORN: (puzzled) Quack, quack, quack?
LEGOLAS: The White Wizard…approaches.
Eventually, after reuniting with Gandalf, the wizard finishes recounting his tale of his fight with the Balrog to Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli.
GANDALF: But it was not the end. I felt life…in me again. (Pause) And I woke up…naked!
In a flashback, Gandalf wakes up, shocked to find he’s naked, and looking around to see where he is.
A day or so later at Edoras, after the funeral of Théodred, Gandalf tries to comfort and reassure King Théoden of Rohan.
GANDALF: Try not to be upset.
THÉODEN: Upset? Who said I’m upset? I’m happy!
Théoden puts on a happy, smiley face. Then he bursts out loud into tears.
Later, inside the Golden Hall, as well as the two children that came from the Rohan village attacked by Dunlendings eating at a table, Gimli also wolfs down his food and gulps down his beer at a table. He lets out a huge belch as well as a huge fart.
GIMLI: Ooh! Pardon me!
Chapter 14
At Helm’s Deep, Éowyn Reacts to Aragorn’s ‘Death’
At Helm’s Deep, Éowyn rushes down to meet with Théoden and company who have returned from their battle with the warg riders. Éowyn looks about.
ÉOWYN: So few! So few of you have returned!
At that moment, more riders turn up.
ÉOWYN: Okay, more of you.
Then a few more…
ÉOWYN: Okay, a lot of you.
Then another lot…
ÉOWYN: Okay, can we just say that there are more of you to come, right?
Théoden dismounts from his horse.
THÉODEN: Our people are safe. We have paid for it with many lives.
ÉOWYN: Err, where’s Legolas?
LEGOLAS: I’m up here!
ÉOWYN: Where’s Gimli?
GIMLI: I’m standing right in front of you!
ÉOWYN: Oh sorry! Um, where’s…?
GIMLI: Aragorn?
ÉOWYN: That’s him, yes.
GIMLI: Well, how can I put this? Um, he fell.
ÉOWYN: Oh dear. Did he fall down the stairs or something?
GIMLI: Off a cliff.
ÉOWYN: Oh. So he’s bound to have a bad injury.
GIMLI: Yes. Quite.
ÉOWYN: Oh.
At first, Éowyn seems to be taking it rather well. But then…
ÉOWYN: (coughs) I think I’m going to be sick!
Éowyn vomits to one side. She then looks at Théoden.
ÉOWYN: Is this true, uncle?
Théoden gives a look at Éowyn. Then he walks away.
ÉOWYN: (shrugs) Ah well. Life must go on.
Meanwhile, at the Helm’s Deep battlements…
THÉODEN: So, you soldiers know what you have to do, don’t you?
GAMLING: (puzzled) No?
THÉODEN: (baffled) Guard the wall!
GAMLING: Which one? There are loads of walls.
THÉODEN: (exasperated) Oh just…just guard this wall in particular, will you?!
Gamling soon asks Théoden questions about the boys to fight at Helm’s Deep.
GAMLING: We can’t ask any Rohan boy under seven to fight…
THÉODEN: (exasperated) Alright then, look just…LOOK! EVERY SON OF ROHAN WHO’S ABOVE SEVEN GETS TO FIGHT! ANY SON OF ROHAN UNDER SEVEN…DOESN’T! THEY CAN GO WITH THEIR MOTHERS OR SOMETHING!
GAMLING: What about that old man over there, sire? Should we let him fight?
THÉODEN: Err…no, there’s no point. Look at him. He can’t even lift a sword.
This is proven as the old man struggles to lift a sword from the ground and eventually drops it.
Meanwhile, Aragorn, who’s still alive and riding on the horse called Brego, sees the army of Uruk-Hai unleashed from Isengard making its way to Helm’s Deep.
ARAGORN: Okay. Let’s see and count. Err…one, two, three, four, five, six…
After counting every Uruk-Hai in the army approaching Helm’s Deep, Aragorn soon comes up with his final calculation.
ARAGORN: (shocked) Ten thousand! And I counted correctly!
Aragorn rides for Helm’s Deep.
At Helm’s Deep, Éowyn sees Aragorn with Legolas.
ÉOWYN: (gasps) Aragorn! He’s alive! Great! I’ll tell him to marry me and then…
But Éowyn then sees Legolas give Aragorn the Evenstar, the gift to him from Arwen of Rivendell.
ÉOWYN: (moans) Oh yeah! I forgot! He’s got a girlfriend! How nice for him! He’s lucky and he’s got a girlfriend!
Éowyn goes to sulk off somewhere.
A short while later, Aragorn struggles to push open the doors to Théoden’s throne room at Helm’s Deep. After pushing a couple of times, Aragorn manages to push his way through the doors, but ends up on the floor in the process. Théoden looks down on him.
THÉODEN: You could have come in instead of bashing down my doors.
Chapter 15
The Wacky Antics of Getting Ready for the Battle at Helm’s Deep
At Helm’s Deep, the woman and children are mistreated badly when being led into the Glittering Caves.
ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on! Get in! (roughly; to woman) Get up, you hag!
The woman screams as she’s being pushed around by the first Rohan soldier.
ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on! Get in the caves!
ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Ah, get in there, you stupid pile of…
A second Rohan soldier kicks one of the women, causing her to scream very loudly as she goes into the caves.
Inside the caves, old Rohan men and young Rohan lads are being drafted for war.
ROHAN WOMAN: Wait, what are you doing to my husband?
ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Err, he’s fighting.
ROHAN WOMAN: Did he say he wanted to fight?
ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Yes.
ROHAN WOMAN: (to husband) You idiot! I told you not to fight!
The Rohan woman screams her head off, upset. Meanwhile, a father says goodbye to his wife and children.
ROHAN HUSBAND: Goodbye, wife; goodbye, children. I’m going to war.
ROHAN DAUGHTER: Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy!
ROHAN SON: Good thing I’m not fighting!
ROHAN SOLDIER 3: Oh yes, you are!
The Rohan son screams, as he’s being dragged away by the third Rohan soldier. Meanwhile, with the first Rohan soldier…
ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on, you big fat one!
The first Rohan soldier pushes a big fat Rohan man around. The fat Rohan man speaks innate gibberish as he’s being moved along. Meanwhile, a Rohan boy steps forward.
ROHAN BOY: Can I fight?
ROHAN SOLDIER 2: (gratified) Oh, a boy volunteering!
ROHAN MOTHER: (shouts) What are you doing, you stupid boy?!
ROHAN BOY: (excitedly) Hey, I’m going to fight! Yippee!
The Rohan boy goes off, following the Rohan soldiers to be drafted in.
In the armoury, weapons are being distributed. Aragon picks up a battered sword and examines it.
ARAGORN: (groans) Ugh! This blade’s blunt and chipped.
Tossing it back, Aragorn rejoins Legolas and Gimli.
ARAGORN: (groans) These are no soldiers.
LEGOLAS: (distracted) Of course they are, of course they’re not.
ARAGORN: (puzzled) What’s that supposed to mean?
LEGOLAS: (shrugs) Nothing.
ARAGORN: What about you, Gimli? What do you think?
GIMLI: I think this is a terrible shambles. I feel sorry for that man over there. He looks a bit like me!
ROHAN MAN: (high-pitched; protests) I do not! (Pause) Where’s my axe?
GIMLI: See? He does.
ARAGORN: (realises) Hey look! There’s an old man sleeping there!
The old Rohan man sleeps nearby. A Rohan soldier comes along and shakes the old Rohan man who sleeps away.
ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Wake up! You’ve got fighting to do!
OLD ROHAN MAN: (wakes up) I…err…I’ll be there now.
But within moments, the old Rohan man has fallen asleep again.
LEGOLAS: (groans) This is ridiculous. I’m going to speak in duck language. (clears throat) Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Which means, “Three hundred against ten thousand! That doesn’t sound very fair, does it?”
ARAGORN: Err…quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
ARAGORN TRANSLATOR: Which means, “The Rohan men have a better chance of defending themselves than at Edoras.”
LEGOLAS: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!
LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: They cannot defend themselves!
LEGOLAS: Quack, quack, quack, quack!
LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Aragorn! They’re all going to die!
ARAGORN: (shouts) THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!!!
LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Err, you should speak to Legolas. I’m the translator person for him!
Aragorn turns away from Legolas’s translator person to Legolas himself.
ARAGORN: (shouts) THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!!!
A moment of silence.
ROHAN BOY: Die with who?
LEGOLAS: He means…
GIMLI: No, no, don’t say it to him.
Another moment of silence.
ARAGORN: (sighs) I’m going out.
Aragorn walks away. Legolas is about to go after him before Gimli puts a hand on him.
GIMLI: Let him go, lad. Let him be.
In Théoden’s throne room at Helm’s Deep…
GAMLING: Every man who is able to wield a sword has now been sent to the armoury. I’ve got your armour ready, sire.
Gamling approaches King Théoden, but finds he’s not moving very much.
GAMLING: My lord?
No response.
GAMLING: My lord!
As Gamling touches him, he finds Théoden is made out of stone.
THÉODEN: That’s a statue of me. I’m right here.
GAMLING: Oh, sorry.
Gamling makes his way over to the real King Théoden.
GAMLING: I’ve got your armour ready, sire.
THÉODEN: Who am I, um…what’s your name again?
GAMLING: My name’s Gamling.
THÉODEN: Who am I, Gamling?
A moment of silence.
GAMLING: You’re Théoden.
Théoden shuts his eyes, annoyed.
THÉODEN: Who am I?! Am I a king, am I a queen, am I a knight?
GAMLING: You’re a king.
THÉODEN: And do you trust your king?
GAMLING: No, I don’t.
THÉODEN: Thanks a lot. Thank you. I’m glad you don’t.
GAMLING: Anyway, let’s put this armour on you. We haven’t got all day.
Gamling puts the armour roughly on Théoden. This causes Théoden to cry out in pain.
THÉODEN: Oww!
GAMLING: Sorry
Despite this, Gamling continues to put the armour roughly on Théoden, who cites away the beginning of a poem.
THÉODEN: Where is the horse and the rider..?
Gamling slams the armour onto Théoden.
THÉODEN: OWW!!!
A while later, Aragorn suits himself up for the Battle of Helm’s Deep. He’s all suited up and ready.
ARAGORN: Now for my sword!
He realises his sword’s missing.
ARAGORN: Where did it go? Where did it go?
Something taps on Aragorn’s shoulder. He looks to see Legolas holding his sword for him.
ARAGORN: (accusingly) You stole my sword! Give me that!
Aragorn snatches the sword off from Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Err…I was giving it to you. (Pause) Anyway, you were right. Forgive me.
ARAGORN: (gradually) No.
LEGOLAS: Listen, I’m sorry.
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: Please forgive me.
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: I know how you feel.
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (puzzled) What did you say?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: (realises) Stop saying ‘no’!
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: What’s my name?
ARAGORN: No.
LEGOLAS: STOP SAYING THE CURSE OF ‘NO’!!!
Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right, snapping him right out of it.
LEGOLAS: Boromir must have left a curse on you! You never stop saying ‘no’!
ARAGORN: (realises) Ah, mentioning about Boromir, yeah. I remember that day, when I said ‘no’.
LEGOLAS: (frustrated) LOOK, JUST STOP! FORGET IT! JUST…FORGET ABOUT IT!!!! PLEASE!
ARAGORN: No.
Legolas gives an almighty big slap across Aragorn’s face, snapping him right out of it. He takes out a bottle from one of Aragorn’s pockets.
LEGOLAS: Take your pills!
ARAGORN: Sorry. Where’s Gimli?
Chapter 16
The Last March of the Ents Starts with a Yawn
Earlier, at Henneth Annûn – the Window on the West – Faramir is about to interrogate Frodo and Sam.
FARAMIR: My men tell me that you’re orc spies!
SAM: Frodo, we’re not orc spies!
FARAMIR: I said that. Over here.
Sam looks to his left.
FARAMIR: A little further.
Sam looks to his left a little further.
FARAMIR: A little more.
Sam looks to his left a little more.
FARAMIR: Actually, I’m all the way over here!
Sam finally looks at Faramir.
SAM: Orc spies?! Now wait just a minute!
FARAMIR: Well, if you’re not orc spies, who are you then?
Frodo sniffs loudly as he’s got a runny nose.
FRODO: Oh sorry. Sorry.
FARAMIR: Speak!
FRODO: Err…
FARAMIR: (impatiently) Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!
FRODO: Alright, hold on a minute, hold on a minute. (breathes deep) My name…is Frodo…Elijah…Wood…Baggins!
FARAMIR: Ah! You’re hobbits of the Shire.
FRODO: Yes! And I have a great sword! Sting! Look!
Frodo unsheathes his sword and shows it to Faramir.
FARAMIR: Yes, so I see.
FRODO: And the blade glows blue when orcs are close.
FARAMIR: Interesting. Now…
FRODO: If you look to see where the blade glows blue…
FARAMIR: SHUT UP!!! PUT THAT AWAY NOW!!!
Frodo hastily sheathes his sword Sting.
FARAMIR: Now, who’s the fat one?
SAM: (protests) I’m not fat! The reason why is because I’ve got so many clothes on! Look!
Sam unravels himself by taking his clothes off.
SAM: See? Now you…
Sam realises he’s naked and puts his clothes back on again.
FARAMIR: Right. What’s your name then?
Sam thinks for a moment.
SAM: I’ve forgotten what my name is. Can you tell him, Frodo?
FRODO: (sighs: gradually; to Faramir) His name…is Samwise…Sean…Astin…Gamgee.
Later on, in Fangorn Forest, after the Entmoot have made their decision about the current war of Middle-Earth, Treebeard takes Merry and Pippin home.
TREEBEARD: I’m sorry about the Entmoot’s decision. But we cannot get ourselves involved in the war.
PIPPIN: Wait a minute! Where are we going?
TREEBEARD: I’m taking you home.
PIPPIN: Well, why don’t we go south? We can slip past Saruman unnoticed.
TREEBEARD: Alright then. We’ll go south like you say.
MERRY: (to Pippin) Are you mad? We’ll be caught.
PIPPIN: No, we won’t.
TREEBEARD: I’ve always wanted to go south. I’ve never been south in my life.
PIPPIN: We just went past south!
TREEBEARD: Oh! I didn’t know that.
A while later, Treebeard, Merry and Pippin have now come to the southern edge of the forest.
TREEBEARD: And a little family of field mice that climb up me sometimes and they tickle me awfully. They’re always trying to get somewhere where they… (realises) Oh! We must have come the wrong way…
Treebeard lets out a horrified gasp.
TREEBEARD: There’s a little leaf on the ground. (Pause) How did that…?
Treebeard lets out another horrified gasp. He then exhales a deep breath.
MERRY: Treebeard? Is everything alright?
TREEBEARD: Many of these trees were my friends.
Merry and Pippin look to see the desolated landscape before them.
MERRY: They’re tree stumps.
PIPPIN: Yes, they’ve all been cut down.
TREEBEARD: Creatures I had known from nut and acorn; and from bark and birch…
MERRY: (impatiently) Yeah, yeah, alright, we get it.
PIPPIN: Don’t say that, Merry. He’s just lost his friends, remember?
MERRY: (realises) Oh yes, right. Sorry, Treebeard. Didn’t mean to be insensitive.
PIPPIN: Yes, sorry, Treebeard.
Treebeard turns his gaze to the treeless Isengard and its smoking caverns.
TREEBEARD: Sauron!
PIPPIN: No, Saruman.
TREEBEARD: (corrects himself) Saruman! A wizard should know better!
Treebeard is about to let out a ferocious roar, but it ends up being a loud yawn which echoes throughout the forest.
PIPPIN: Stop being so tired.
Once Treebeard finishes yawning….
TREEBEARD: The Ents are going to do something, that no Ent has done in an age.
MERRY: (puzzled) What’s that noise?
Hearing rumbles in the forest, the hobbits look behind to see what’s coming.
PIPPIN: Oh look! More Ents!
This is true, as many Ents emerge and march towards them.
TREEBEARD: Come, my friends! The Ents are going to war! (to Ents) Are you ready to fight in battle?
ENTS: Yes.
TREEBEARD: Are you ready to fight for your friends?
ENTS: Yes.
TREEBEARD: Right then. We go into battle. And with no referee…
A referee appears.
REFEREE: If you want a good clean fight…
TREEBEARD: (angrily) Get out of my way!
Treebeard tosses the referee, who screams loudly.
PIPPIN: Why did you hit the referee like that?
TREEBEARD: As I was saying, the Ents are going to war!
MERRY: Okay. We go to war.
TREEBEARD: Yes! WAR!!!!! (Pause) Come on, Ents! It’s time for the last march…of the Ents!
With that, the Ents make their way towards Isengard.
TREEBEARD: To Isengard, we go!
At Isengard, Saruman sees the Ents attacking Isengard.
SARUMAN: (panics) No! NO!!! This can’t be happening!
The Ents are stomping over Isengard, swinging their huge limbs, throwing and stamping on orcs and rolling huge boulders over the ground. Merry and Pippin also throw stones at orcs, their aims true.
TREEBEARD: A hit! A very fine hit!
An Ent get caught on fire by some orcs firing arrows at him, but the Ents continue their attack. One orc on the ground however makes a point to Treebeard and the Ents.
CLEANER: I’m the cleaner.
Regardless, the orc cleaner gets kicked away by Treebeard.
TREEBEARD: (calls; mockingly) Early retirement!
Meanwhile in Osgiliath, Frodo is about to put the Ring on his finger. But Sam stops him, knocking him over before the Ringwraith on his Fell Beast gets him. Once the Ringwraith on his Fell Beast has been rid of, Frodo and Sam roll down the stairs and get to the bottom. Frodo holds Sam in a death grip and yells, pointing a sword (which he thinks it’s Sting) at his throat.
SAM: That’s a standard one.
Realising it’s a standard sword; Frodo gets rid of it and picks up another sword to point at Sam’s throat.
SAM: No, that’s a premium one. Your sword Sting is lying right beside you.
Seeing it is, Frodo gets rid of the premium sword and picks Sting up to point at Sam’s throat.
SAM: (satisfied) Yeah, that’s the one.
After a moment where Frodo is livid with madness and anger whilst holding Sting to Sam’s throat…
SAM: Yoo-hoo! Samy!
At that, the madness and anger fade. Recognition returns to Frodo’s eyes. He realises what he was about to do and is overcome. Stumbling backwards, Frodo collapses against a wall and Sting falls to the ground with a clang. Shrugging what just happened off; Sam gets up slowly and fumbles in his pockets.
SAM: Want some onions?
FRODO: Yeah, okay.
Sam takes out some onions and hands one over to Frodo. The hobbits soon bite into their onions and eat away. Eventually, the hobbits start becoming tearful as the onions affect their eyes.
FRODO: (tearfully) I can’t do this, Sam. I can’t!
SAM: (tearfully) Of course you can’t. Do you want to eat more of your onion?
The hobbits keep on eating their onions and they continue to cry a lot.
SAM: (tearfully) Because you know…
Sam lets out a huge sneeze.
SAM: (tearfully) Sorry, I’m allergic to onions. Ah well, life must go on.
Frodo and Sam continue eating onions and crying a lot.
In the realm of Rohan, after the battle of Helm’s deep, Gandalf, Théoden, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer and Gamling ride to the top of a slope. They look towards the land of Mordor in the distance.
GANDALF: Sauron’s wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift.
They see Sauron’s eye in Mordor, darting to and fro as it looks around everywhere and blinks a lot of the time.
GIMLI: He’s crazy!
GANDALF: The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin, which could happen in a matter of months, or weeks, or days. (Pause) All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits. One stupid, one fat…
SAM: (protests; from a distance) I’m not fat!
FRODO: (protests: from a distance) And I’m not stupid, okay! I know what I’m doing!
GANDALF: (ignores Frodo and Sam) And a skinny, ugly, hairy Gollum!
Bradley's Basement 