Hello everyone! 🙂

Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!

It’s Day 16 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.

Let’s check out Chapter 16 of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’, which features the final instalment of ‘The Two Twits’ segment of the story. 🙂

Enjoy!

Check out what Day 16 of my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendars for 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 were about!

Tim. 🙂

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Chapter 16
The Last March of the Ents Starts with a Yawn

Earlier, at Henneth Annûn – the Window on the West – Faramir is about to interrogate Frodo and Sam.

FARAMIR: My men tell me that you’re orc spies!

SAM: Frodo, we’re not orc spies!

FARAMIR: I said that. Over here.

Sam looks to his left.

FARAMIR: A little further.

Sam looks to his left a little further.

FARAMIR: A little more.

Sam looks to his left a little more.

FARAMIR: Actually, I’m all the way over here!

Sam finally looks at Faramir.

SAM: Orc spies?! Now wait just a minute!

FARAMIR: Well, if you’re not orc spies, who are you then?

Frodo sniffs loudly as he’s got a runny nose.

FRODO: Oh sorry. Sorry.

FARAMIR: Speak!

FRODO: Err…

FARAMIR: (impatiently) Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

FRODO: Alright, hold on a minute, hold on a minute. (breathes deep) My name…is Frodo…Elijah…Wood…Baggins!

FARAMIR: Ah! You’re hobbits of the Shire.

FRODO: Yes! And I have a great sword! Sting! Look!

Frodo unsheathes his sword and shows it to Faramir.

FARAMIR: Yes, so I see.

FRODO: And the blade glows blue when orcs are close.

FARAMIR: Interesting. Now…

FRODO: If you look to see where the blade glows blue…

FARAMIR: SHUT UP!!! PUT THAT AWAY NOW!!!

Frodo hastily sheathes his sword Sting.

FARAMIR: Now, who’s the fat one?

SAM: (protests) I’m not fat! The reason why is because I’ve got so many clothes on! Look!

Sam unravels himself by taking his clothes off.

SAM: See? Now you…

Sam realises he’s naked and puts his clothes back on again.

FARAMIR: Right. What’s your name then?

Sam thinks for a moment.

SAM: I’ve forgotten what my name is. Can you tell him, Frodo?

FRODO: (sighs: gradually; to Faramir) His name…is Samwise…Sean…Astin…Gamgee.

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Later on, in Fangorn Forest, after the Entmoot have made their decision about the current war of Middle-Earth, Treebeard takes Merry and Pippin home.

TREEBEARD: I’m sorry about the Entmoot’s decision. But we cannot get ourselves involved in the war.

PIPPIN: Wait a minute! Where are we going?

TREEBEARD: I’m taking you home.

PIPPIN: Well, why don’t we go south? We can slip past Saruman unnoticed.

TREEBEARD: Alright then. We’ll go south like you say.

MERRY: (to Pippin) Are you mad? We’ll be caught.

PIPPIN: No, we won’t.

TREEBEARD: I’ve always wanted to go south. I’ve never been south in my life.

PIPPIN: We just went past south!

TREEBEARD: Oh! I didn’t know that.

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A while later, Treebeard, Merry and Pippin have now come to the southern edge of the forest.

TREEBEARD: And a little family of field mice that climb up me sometimes and they tickle me awfully. They’re always trying to get somewhere where they… (realises) Oh! We must have come the wrong way…

Treebeard lets out a horrified gasp.

TREEBEARD: There’s a little leaf on the ground. (Pause) How did that…?

Treebeard lets out another horrified gasp. He then exhales a deep breath.

MERRY: Treebeard? Is everything alright?

TREEBEARD: Many of these trees were my friends.

Merry and Pippin look to see the desolated landscape before them.

MERRY: They’re tree stumps.

PIPPIN: Yes, they’ve all been cut down.

TREEBEARD: Creatures I had known from nut and acorn; and from bark and birch…

MERRY: (impatiently) Yeah, yeah, alright, we get it.

PIPPIN: Don’t say that, Merry. He’s just lost his friends, remember?

MERRY: (realises) Oh yes, right. Sorry, Treebeard. Didn’t mean to be insensitive.

PIPPIN: Yes, sorry, Treebeard.

Treebeard turns his gaze to the treeless Isengard and its smoking caverns.

TREEBEARD: Sauron!

PIPPIN: No, Saruman.

TREEBEARD: (corrects himself) Saruman! A wizard should know better!

Treebeard is about to let out a ferocious roar, but it ends up being a loud yawn which echoes throughout the forest.

PIPPIN: Stop being so tired.

Once Treebeard finishes yawning….

TREEBEARD: The Ents are going to do something, that no Ent has done in an age.

MERRY: (puzzled) What’s that noise?

Hearing rumbles in the forest, the hobbits look behind to see what’s coming.

PIPPIN: Oh look! More Ents!

This is true, as many Ents emerge and march towards them.

TREEBEARD: Come, my friends! The Ents are going to war! (to Ents) Are you ready to fight in battle?

ENTS: Yes.

TREEBEARD: Are you ready to fight for your friends?

ENTS: Yes.

TREEBEARD: Right then. We go into battle. And with no referee…

A referee appears.

REFEREE: If you want a good clean fight…

TREEBEARD: (angrily) Get out of my way!

Treebeard tosses the referee, who screams loudly.

PIPPIN: Why did you hit the referee like that?

TREEBEARD: As I was saying, the Ents are going to war!

MERRY: Okay. We go to war.

TREEBEARD: Yes! WAR!!!!! (Pause) Come on, Ents! It’s time for the last march…of the Ents!

With that, the Ents make their way towards Isengard.

TREEBEARD: To Isengard, we go!

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At Isengard, Saruman sees the Ents attacking Isengard.

SARUMAN: (panics) No! NO!!! This can’t be happening!

The Ents are stomping over Isengard, swinging their huge limbs, throwing and stamping on orcs and rolling huge boulders over the ground. Merry and Pippin also throw stones at orcs, their aims true.

TREEBEARD: A hit! A very fine hit!

An Ent get caught on fire by some orcs firing arrows at him, but the Ents continue their attack. One orc on the ground however makes a point to Treebeard and the Ents.

CLEANER: I’m the cleaner.

Regardless, the orc cleaner gets kicked away by Treebeard.

TREEBEARD: (calls; mockingly) Early retirement!

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Meanwhile in Osgiliath, Frodo is about to put the Ring on his finger. But Sam stops him, knocking him over before the Ringwraith on his Fell Beast gets him. Once the Ringwraith on his Fell Beast has been rid of, Frodo and Sam roll down the stairs and get to the bottom. Frodo holds Sam in a death grip and yells, pointing a sword (which he thinks it’s Sting) at his throat.

SAM: That’s a standard one.

Realising it’s a standard sword; Frodo gets rid of it and picks up another sword to point at Sam’s throat.

SAM: No, that’s a premium one. Your sword Sting is lying right beside you.

Seeing it is, Frodo gets rid of the premium sword and picks Sting up to point at Sam’s throat.

SAM: (satisfied) Yeah, that’s the one.

After a moment where Frodo is livid with madness and anger whilst holding Sting to Sam’s throat…

SAM: Yoo-hoo! Samy!

At that, the madness and anger fade. Recognition returns to Frodo’s eyes. He realises what he was about to do and is overcome. Stumbling backwards, Frodo collapses against a wall and Sting falls to the ground with a clang. Shrugging what just happened off; Sam gets up slowly and fumbles in his pockets.

SAM: Want some onions?

FRODO: Yeah, okay.

Sam takes out some onions and hands one over to Frodo. The hobbits soon bite into their onions and eat away. Eventually, the hobbits start becoming tearful as the onions affect their eyes.

FRODO: (tearfully) I can’t do this, Sam. I can’t!

SAM: (tearfully) Of course you can’t. Do you want to eat more of your onion?

The hobbits keep on eating their onions and they continue to cry a lot.

SAM: (tearfully) Because you know…

Sam lets out a huge sneeze.

SAM: (tearfully) Sorry, I’m allergic to onions. Ah well, life must go on.

Frodo and Sam continue eating onions and crying a lot.

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In the realm of Rohan, after the battle of Helm’s deep, Gandalf, Théoden, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Éomer and Gamling ride to the top of a slope. They look towards the land of Mordor in the distance.

GANDALF: Sauron’s wrath will be terrible, his retribution swift.

They see Sauron’s eye in Mordor, darting to and fro as it looks around everywhere and blinks a lot of the time.

GIMLI: He’s crazy!

GANDALF: The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle-Earth is about to begin, which could happen in a matter of months, or weeks, or days. (Pause) All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits. One stupid, one fat…

SAM: (protests; from a distance) I’m not fat!

FRODO: (protests: from a distance) And I’m not stupid, okay! I know what I’m doing!

GANDALF: (ignores Frodo and Sam) And a skinny, ugly, hairy Gollum!