Hello everyone! 🙂

Welcome to ‘Bradley’s Basement’ blog and I’m Tim Bradley!

It’s Day 15 of ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendar 2021.

Here we are on the penultimate instalment of ‘The Two Twits’ segment of ‘The Lord of the Rings: Comedy Version’. It’s time to check out Chapter 15 of the story. 🙂

Enjoy!

Check out what Day 15 of my ‘Bradley’s Basement’s Advent Calendars for 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020 were about!

Tim. 🙂

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Chapter 15
The Wacky Antics of Getting Ready for the Battle at Helm’s Deep

At Helm’s Deep, the woman and children are mistreated badly when being led into the Glittering Caves.

ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on! Get in! (roughly; to woman) Get up, you hag!

The woman screams as she’s being pushed around by the first Rohan soldier.

ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on! Get in the caves!

ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Ah, get in there, you stupid pile of…

A second Rohan soldier kicks one of the women, causing her to scream very loudly as she goes into the caves.

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Inside the caves, old Rohan men and young Rohan lads are being drafted for war.

ROHAN WOMAN: Wait, what are you doing to my husband?

ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Err, he’s fighting.

ROHAN WOMAN: Did he say he wanted to fight?

ROHAN SOLDIER 2: Yes.

ROHAN WOMAN: (to husband) You idiot! I told you not to fight!

The Rohan woman screams her head off, upset. Meanwhile, a father says goodbye to his wife and children.

ROHAN HUSBAND: Goodbye, wife; goodbye, children. I’m going to war.

ROHAN DAUGHTER: Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy!

ROHAN SON: Good thing I’m not fighting!

ROHAN SOLDIER 3: Oh yes, you are!

The Rohan son screams, as he’s being dragged away by the third Rohan soldier. Meanwhile, with the first Rohan soldier…

ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Come on, you big fat one!

The first Rohan soldier pushes a big fat Rohan man around. The fat Rohan man speaks innate gibberish as he’s being moved along. Meanwhile, a Rohan boy steps forward.

ROHAN BOY: Can I fight?

ROHAN SOLDIER 2: (gratified) Oh, a boy volunteering!

ROHAN MOTHER: (shouts) What are you doing, you stupid boy?!

ROHAN BOY: (excitedly) Hey, I’m going to fight! Yippee!

The Rohan boy goes off, following the Rohan soldiers to be drafted in.

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In the armoury, weapons are being distributed. Aragon picks up a battered sword and examines it.

ARAGORN: (groans) Ugh! This blade’s blunt and chipped.

Tossing it back, Aragorn rejoins Legolas and Gimli.

ARAGORN: (groans) These are no soldiers.

LEGOLAS: (distracted) Of course they are, of course they’re not.

ARAGORN: (puzzled) What’s that supposed to mean?

LEGOLAS: (shrugs) Nothing.

ARAGORN: What about you, Gimli? What do you think?

GIMLI: I think this is a terrible shambles. I feel sorry for that man over there. He looks a bit like me!

ROHAN MAN: (high-pitched; protests) I do not! (Pause) Where’s my axe?

GIMLI: See? He does.

ARAGORN: (realises) Hey look! There’s an old man sleeping there!

The old Rohan man sleeps nearby. A Rohan soldier comes along and shakes the old Rohan man who sleeps away.

ROHAN SOLDIER 1: Wake up! You’ve got fighting to do!

OLD ROHAN MAN: (wakes up) I…err…I’ll be there now.

But within moments, the old Rohan man has fallen asleep again.

LEGOLAS: (groans) This is ridiculous. I’m going to speak in duck language. (clears throat) Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!

LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Which means, “Three hundred against ten thousand! That doesn’t sound very fair, does it?”

ARAGORN: Err…quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!

ARAGORN TRANSLATOR: Which means, “The Rohan men have a better chance of defending themselves than at Edoras.”

LEGOLAS: Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!

LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: They cannot defend themselves!

LEGOLAS: Quack, quack, quack, quack!

LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Aragorn! They’re all going to die!

ARAGORN: (shouts) THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!!!

LEGOLAS TRANSLATOR: Err, you should speak to Legolas. I’m the translator person for him!

Aragorn turns away from Legolas’s translator person to Legolas himself.

ARAGORN: (shouts) THEN I SHALL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!!!

A moment of silence.

ROHAN BOY: Die with who?

LEGOLAS: He means…

GIMLI: No, no, don’t say it to him.

Another moment of silence.

ARAGORN: (sighs) I’m going out.

Aragorn walks away. Legolas is about to go after him before Gimli puts a hand on him.

GIMLI: Let him go, lad. Let him be.

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In Théoden’s throne room at Helm’s Deep…

GAMLING: Every man who is able to wield a sword has now been sent to the armoury. I’ve got your armour ready, sire.

Gamling approaches King Théoden, but finds he’s not moving very much.

GAMLING: My lord?

No response.

GAMLING: My lord!

As Gamling touches him, he finds Théoden is made out of stone.

THÉODEN: That’s a statue of me. I’m right here.

GAMLING: Oh, sorry.

Gamling makes his way over to the real King Théoden.

GAMLING: I’ve got your armour ready, sire.

THÉODEN: Who am I, um…what’s your name again?

GAMLING: My name’s Gamling.

THÉODEN: Who am I, Gamling?

A moment of silence.

GAMLING: You’re Théoden.

Théoden shuts his eyes, annoyed.

THÉODEN: Who am I?! Am I a king, am I a queen, am I a knight?

GAMLING: You’re a king.

THÉODEN: And do you trust your king?

GAMLING: No, I don’t.

THÉODEN: Thanks a lot. Thank you. I’m glad you don’t.

GAMLING: Anyway, let’s put this armour on you. We haven’t got all day.

Gamling puts the armour roughly on Théoden. This causes Théoden to cry out in pain.

THÉODEN: Oww!

GAMLING: Sorry

Despite this, Gamling continues to put the armour roughly on Théoden, who cites away the beginning of a poem.

THÉODEN: Where is the horse and the rider..?

Gamling slams the armour onto Théoden.

THÉODEN: OWW!!!

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A while later, Aragorn suits himself up for the Battle of Helm’s Deep. He’s all suited up and ready.

ARAGORN: Now for my sword!

He realises his sword’s missing.

ARAGORN: Where did it go? Where did it go?

Something taps on Aragorn’s shoulder. He looks to see Legolas holding his sword for him.

ARAGORN: (accusingly) You stole my sword! Give me that!

Aragorn snatches the sword off from Legolas.

LEGOLAS: Err…I was giving it to you. (Pause) Anyway, you were right. Forgive me.

ARAGORN: (gradually) No.

LEGOLAS: Listen, I’m sorry.

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: Please forgive me.

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: I know how you feel.

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: (puzzled) What did you say?

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: (realises) Stop saying ‘no’!

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: What’s my name?

ARAGORN: No.

LEGOLAS: STOP SAYING THE CURSE OF ‘NO’!!!

Legolas slaps Aragorn left and right, snapping him right out of it.

LEGOLAS: Boromir must have left a curse on you! You never stop saying ‘no’!

ARAGORN: (realises) Ah, mentioning about Boromir, yeah. I remember that day, when I said ‘no’.

LEGOLAS: (frustrated) LOOK, JUST STOP! FORGET IT! JUST…FORGET ABOUT IT!!!! PLEASE!

ARAGORN: No.

Legolas gives an almighty big slap across Aragorn’s face, snapping him right out of it. He takes out a bottle from one of Aragorn’s pockets.

LEGOLAS: Take your pills!

ARAGORN: Sorry. Where’s Gimli?